


Epoch Of Emotions

by evs14u



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, We worked really hard, collab fic with seekret-fanfic on tumblr, tumblr collab, will find better tags, wonderful story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-06-07 15:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 59
Words: 38,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6811492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evs14u/pseuds/evs14u
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of Katherine Tucker and Rafael Barba. (ON HIATUS)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Ok so this is a new experiment/idea I had. It will be a chapter story, but with a twist. I will be co-writing it with @seekret-fanfic. I write a chapter, and then she writes one, and so on.

I started working at SVU about a year ago, everyone had said that if you wanted to truly help people that was where you had to go. The last year of my life had been the most stressful and the most wonderful. I had finally met a squad that was different than most other parts of the force. This was mainly due to Captain Olivia Benson.

She imposed rules about having a totally sexist free environment, and promoted one where equality and partnership was key. The job had swallowed me whole, which I suspected it would, and I really didn’t have a problem with that, until I met A.D.A. Rafael Barba. Our relationship didn’t have a good start, we immediately butted heads over every turn of our investigations. It turned form outright aggression to a more subdued teasing banter. I had never acted on this flirty banter, being the youngest detective on the squad and being the newest member I couldn’t go around sleeping with ADAs, even if they were particularly handsome.

Today was the day of the Williams’ trial. Up first was my testimony. As the outcry witness Barba wanted me to set the tone for the trial. As if there was not enough pressure on me to perform well. Luckily I had learned a trick to keep calm from Amanda. Every day you pick a different quote to resemble the day. Something that will help keep you calm and level headed admits all the sadness and terror that is SVU. Today in the common theme of the last couple of weeks it was:

“My tongue will tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart concealing it will break.”

As I said this front of the courtroom doors pacing up and down, Barba came up behind me. Tapping me on the shoulder right in the middle of my pacing. Spinning around in complete surprise.

“Oh Barba I didn’t see you there. Sorry I was just practicing.”

“Kathrine, you do understand that you sit on the stand, not pace” he quirked an eyebrow. I responded with an eyeroll.

“I do, but I need to get the excess energy out. Otherwise I’ll explode. There will be nothing left off me and that wouldn’t be good for anyone. By the way I left the Walsh Report on your desk so whenever you have the chance to look it over that would be great.”

He gave me a gentle smile understanding my anxiety.

“You will be fine, anything questionable I’ll object”

“Why thank you my knight in shining armor.” I said in mock reverence. Ignoring my little jab.

“I love that you recited Shakespeare to keep calm. I have a personal favorite of mine as well.” Leaning down he whisper in my ear. “Sit by my side, and let the world slip: we shall ne'er be younger.”

Then without another word he opened the courtroom door and disappeared inside. Taking a deep breath and having about thousand thoughts running through my head, I followed him. My testimony wasn’t as bad as I had expected. All Barba wanted was the facts. I tried several times to make meaningful eye contact with him but he kept it strictly professional. Then the defense lawyer walked up, something about him made it look like he had an ace up his sleeve.

“Ms. Tucker, would you say that the witness was stable at the time you took her initial statement?” he asked.

“No, but no one is right after they have been brutally attacked. It is a bit like me walking up to you beating you with a crowbar, and then asking you to pass a Rorschach test.” Two could play at this game.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I agreed to a fic experiment, so the following is Chapter 2 of a fic already begun over at @evs14u. Go start there if you haven’t already…

“That went well enough,” I offered, standing with the other detectives outside the court room.

“Oh, you think so?” Barba had walked up, and judging by his tone, he wasn’t pleased. “Can I speak to you in private, Katherine?”

I looked over at Olivia and Amanda, who were exchanging concerned looks, and followed Barba to a door down the hall.

“I need the room,” he barked at a young man hunched over some files, who quickly departed.

“Thought that crowbar bit was cute, did you?”

I looked up for a moment and shrugged. “I wouldn’t say cute. That’s kind of demeaning. Clever, maybe. Amusing, sure. Also, I think the Rorschach bit was the real winner.”

“Testifying is not a joke, Katherine.”

“You think I don’t know that? That jury was getting bored. You could see it on their faces that they weren’t even listening to the facts any more. So I just gave them a little something more to listen to, while sticking it to the defense.”

“I didn’t think we needed a whole prep session for a simple outcry testimony, but clearly, I won’t make that mistake again. Get it together.”

“Sure thing, Counselor. And maybe next time you could refrain from whispering provocative things in my ear before I’m supposed to take the stand.”

He opened his mouth to object, but I held a finger in front of his lips and said, “Love me or hate, both are in my favor…you can look up the rest if you don’t know that one.”

I walked out the door slamming it behind me, feeling surprisingly satisfied.


	3. MISSING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't find it ill keep it

I can not find it I will though


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 of the fic experiment with @evs14u.

“Amanda was able to dig up what you were asking for on the defense’s witness list,” I said, as I walked into Barba’s office.  
He had barely looked up from his laptop as he grumbled back. “Don’t you knock?”  
“Not on open doors.”  
He rolled his eyes and put out his hand. “What do you have for me, then?”  
“You know, considering this information is valuable to your case, you’d think you’d be a little more appreciative.”  
He stood up and walked around his desk, then planted himself directly in front of me, hand out again. When I didn’t hand over the file immediately, he snatched it from my hands and began looking over it.  
“Be sure to tell Rollins how appreciative I am of her research.”  
“Excuse me?”  
He snapped the folder closed and took a step closer, his voice even and low.  
“You had ulterior motives in coming here, and I have a feeling you’re currently getting what you came for, so a ‘thank you’ seems superfluous at this point.”  
He wasn’t wrong. This is what I’d come for. But it killed me that he pegged me so quickly.  
And just because he was right didn’t mean I was done.  
“Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind, Barba.”  
He allowed himself the slightest grin. “Very true.”  
His eyes moved from mine to the clock on the wall, and he turned to grab his coat.  
“I need to be somewhere, so I’m afraid we’ll have to continue this conversation another time.”  
“I won’t keep you then,” I replied, stepping to the side, out of his way. “As long as you really have to go, and aren’t just buying time for the perfect comeback. That’s not fun.”  
As he made his way to the door, he stopped, leaning close to my ear. “He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike. See you soon, Katherine.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5. I would like to thank @seekret-fanfic for doing this with me. Fun Fact: I was going to quote othello here and then decided that may not be the smartest idea.
> 
> If you want to be updated on when the new chapters come out just send one of us/both of us a message and we will mention you in the post and you will receive a notification.

That is how it was for us. Never a moment where we weren’t trying to outwit each other. So in the weeks after, what the squad now lovingly called “the crowbar incident” our banter had only increased. That’s what happened when we worked on cases together. It seems that spending an inordinate amount of time with each other, brought out the wittiest and the flirtiest conversations. After an especially long day, and with the prospect of an even longer night, I said that we that we should order sushi, since we should at least be compensated in good food, if we were going to serve the city. Of course we had to pay for the food ourselves, and it would only get here in like an hour. Absentmindedly, while scribbling another note on his pad, he waved at me and said “Katherine could you hand me that soy sauce please?”

“Soy sauce on Sushi are you kidding me? Why do you want to ruin perfectly good sushi with some second-rate soy sauce? They make sushi with flavors you don’t have to add extra overpowering flavors.” I said surprisingly enraged by is request.

“Could you just leave me alone, and let me eat in peace,” I could hear the sleep deprivation in his voice.

“No I’m sorry, I’m going to have to correct your food choices, and otherwise you will never learn.”

'So now you’re the one who’s teaching me? Who was the person who couldn’t unscrew a light bulb last week, and needed my help?” looking up from his notepad, and giving me a smirk.

“I only needed help because I was too short for it, not because I needed some sort of assistance actually changing a light bulb. I am over the age of 10. So naturally it is up to me to teach you how to eat sushi,” I returned his smirk.

“So now it’s up to you to teach me?”

“Who else is going to teach you some manners?” I said, while popping another piece of sashimi into my mouth.

“I’m pretty sure I have good manners.”

“I have not seen any of that, from the Shakespeare quotes and the late nights one could only wonder if you were only trying to knock me off balance. Rather than getting a good night’s sleep.” I picked up my pen up again, and re-reading tomorrow’s motion.

Barely keeping his anger at bay he said, “The reason I quoted Shakespeare was because you had started that game. I deemed it only fair that you should have the same.” Lowering his voice he added, “Do you really think that those quotes didn’t do as much to me as they did to you? As for the late nights, well I can’t do anything about that. I’m sorry that criminals in this city don’t conform to your sleeping schedule.”

After a great meal with no soy sauce, and a long couple of hours going over precedents and making sure that, even though the monsters of New York City didn’t conform to my sleep schedule, they would have to conform to the schedule of prison. After my sixth stifled yawn Barba looked up at me and said, “how about you crash on my couch? You need a few hours before we have to start this all again with 1PP.”

“No thank you, I think I’d rather just go home.”

“Come on we both know that your apartment is across town.”

“I will make it,” I got up and loosing my balance for a second, but before I could hit the floor, he had caught me at the waist. I was disoriented for a second, but then got back up on my feet deeply blushing. "Thank you so much I may need a lot of sleep but sleeping in a E.R. chair tonight would not have been fun.”

“So will you now crash on my couch? I know is not as fancy as the floor, but at least we can get you a good pillow.”

“Thank you,” I said smiling. After about 10 minutes on the couch, Barba came in with a blanket and draped it over me. Thinking I was asleep, he lent down and whispered “Goodnight Cariño” giving me a kiss of the forehead. As he stood up slowly, he quietly said “ Hear my soul speak: The very instant that I saw you, did. My heart fly to your service.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 of the team fic, started by the lovely @evs14u, is up.

“Katherine.”  
I froze. I was hoping I could escape his office without him knowing. Just leave the file with his assistant, I told myself. He’s always so buried in his work, he won’t even know I was here.  
It seemed an odd thing, avoiding the man who had, until recently, been the subject of the occasional coffee break daydream.  
But after that night on his couch, after hearing those words, I couldn’t face him.  
Up until then, it had been a game. A skillful flirtation, a distraction. But I hadn’t planned on it becoming anything more.  
Maybe there would be an attraction, but feelings? I hadn’t expected that. Not from him.  
And most definitely not from me.  
I turned around, knowing from the sound of his voice that he was too close for me to pretend I hadn’t heard him.  
“Counselor.”  
“Since when do you drop files with my assistant?”  
“I didn’t want to interrupt.”  
“My door was open, which you’ve pointed out leaves me open to interruption.”  
“I have a busy day. Crime doesn’t sleep and all that.”  
Barba’s hand touched my arm, and goose bumps broke out under my jacket.  
Stop it. Don’t let him have this affect on you. ‘Expectation is the root of all heartache’, I told myself.  
“You’re avoiding me.”  
I waved my hand, dismissing the idea.  
“Then have dinner with me.”  
“What?”  
“Prove me wrong. Have dinner with me.”  
“You think that highly of yourself? If a girl won’t dine with you, she must be actively avoiding you? That’s a little extreme.”  
“Suit yourself. Don’t go to dinner. And I’ll keep assuming what I want.”  
I rolled my eyes so far back it nearly made my head hurt.  
“Fine. I have to eat. I guess it won’t kill me if it’s in close proximity to you.”  
“Great. Seven-thirty. I’ll even let you pick the place.”  
“Fine.”  
He turned back toward his office, calling over his shoulder as he went.  
“Just no sushi.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Another chapter done!!! This is getting successful, much due to my comrade in crime @seekret-fanfic.

I had started by choosing a little Cuban restaurant that Carmen told me he liked.

“Cuban food? Isn't that a bit on the nose?” He said smirking as we stepped into the restaurant.

"You didn’t like my sushi. so here we are Cuban food and I thought it would help you feel more of a man if I let you help me pick what we ordered.”

An hour into dinner and I loved it, all the tension from earlier had evaporated, even though I found myself staring more and more at his lips and his hands than his eyes. We had been arguing over one thing or another and I said laughing, “Barba you can just admit you’re competitive, it’s okay. I would have guessed that either way, getting into Harvard on scholarship definitely didn’t come from lazing around.” His reaction wasn’t at all what I had expected, he lowered his eyes and took another swig from his scotch “Does everyone know about that now?”

"After the hubbub with Muñoz? Yes, everyone knows about that, but trust me you’re coming off well.”

“I don’t care about perception. All I care that he’s put behind bars for what he did.”

“The sign of a true public servant. I knew there was a reason I liked you” I said winking and drinking from my jack. “To be honest, he’s not even the worst part of the investigation. His wife, I mean staying with him of your own free volition knowing full well that the crimes that he’s been accused. Also what does that say to other wives of predators…” 

“Stop, Yelina is a good woman she has done nothing wrong, but put her trust in the wrong man, and now she’s trying everything to keep her family together.” The tone of our conversation had definitely changed it has been flirty till first date even, but now it was serious.

“Do you really think it’s better for her family especially her two daughters, to be living in a house with a man who traded nudes with a teenage girl?”

“Katherine that’s enough” he said in almost a whisper, but I couldn’t stop.

“There is something in this that the transcripts don’t reveal. You still like her and you keep beating yourself up about the fact that you didn’t save her. I’ve never heard anything so dumb. I mean are you serious? She made the choice to leave you and to marry Muñoz, and then she decided to use her personal connection with you to try and make the case go away.”

“Katherine don’t talk about things you know nothing about.” The anger was now palpable in his voice.

“Come on Barba, we see this everyday. People who are emotionally manipulated by others from their past to get some sort of beneficial result, you need to realize that it’s not your fault

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, some things are more complicated than in your black and white world,” full with rage, but still able to keep his voice agreeable for the restaurant.

“ Look I’m sorry I didn’t mean it that, way I’m just trying to…”

“Help right? You’re not,” and with that he left. That second I decided that I wasn’t just going to let this fight fester. Maybe my inquiries were motivated by my feelings for him. That doesn’t matter now. I run outside I see that he’s standing in the rain, waiting for an Uber.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way, okay. I just I don’t want to see you get hurt. I care about you.”

“If you truly cared about me, you would just let me make my own decisions.”

“Fine you want to make your own decisions, fine, goodbye Rafael.” It turned out being in close proximity to him, did kill.


	8. Chapter 8

Ordinarily, a disagreement like this with someone wouldn’t have bothered me.  
I was known for speaking my mind. Detective Carisi liked to say that I “spit bullets”. It came in handy when I was questioning a perp, trying to get important information.  
But this, this was different.  
I felt a strange sick feeling low in my gut.  
Guilt, maybe?  
It was hard to say.  
Whatever it was, it was interfering with my day, so I told myself I needed to fix it. If for nothing else, for self-preservation.  
I certainly wasn’t doing it for Barba, I’d tell myself. He could’ve handled things differently, too.  
I set the pastry and coffee on his desk, from a bakery down the road I know he loved. Next to it, I left a note.  
Love me or hate me,  
Both are in my favor.  
If you love me,  
I’ll always be in your heart.  
If you hate me,  
I’ll always be in your mind.  
PS - Sorry. To quote another famous play (out of context as it may be), “Remember that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass.”  
For someone who wasn’t much for apologies, I was fairly proud of it.  
Upon returning to the precinct after running a few errands, I was surprised to hear Fin say there was a delivery left on my desk.  
I picked up the envelope, nothing written on the outside. Opening it slowly, I cautiously peeked at the contents.  
Inside was a ticket to a play, dated for this weekend, and an unsigned note.  
The course of true love  
Never did run smooth.  
I swallowed hard. Perhaps I was too good at apologies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for Chapter 8 of the shared fic with @evs14u. Writing by the seat of my pants…and dusting of all those reads of Shakespeare… :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For @seekret-fanfic who is amazing for doing this with me, and is awesome. 
> 
> A/N: I am going to start with an apology; I have only just gotten into Hamilton. Just because I had other shit to do, and I do not like listening to new music while I’m stressed. I haven’t even finished my first full listen, I know I am the worst, but I’ll make it up to you with this SVU clip.

Broadway had always been foreign to me, it was a place other people went. I never had any special interest in theater. I was more into reading the material than seeing it. I mean I had seen all the important plays: Phantom, Les Mis, Wicked, Waiting for Godot, and Shakespeare. Which is why I was surprised when I heard Barba softly singing: _A Little Fall Of Rain_ , when he was sure he was alone.

In my wildest dreams I never thought he was into theater. The tickets were for a play called Hamilton. I did a quick Google search, and it turned out it was about Alexander Hamilton. God, I didn’t think he knew me that well. I had degree in political science. This night was a series of firsts. The first was that I had to figure out what to wear I’ve never spent so much time digging through my own closet. I mean it was an up-and-coming the show when it was only in its first run so is it more casual or because of its great success does it has to be more formal? In the end I decided for an outfit that I thought was the most appropriate. After spending an ignorant time on my hair, I was finally ready. Arriving at the theater, I saw huge crowds, Shit I should have come earlier. Then I heard my name being called. I turn around and there is Barba, in a tux. God he looked good. How was I going to force myself to watch the play like this, it is like he is trying wind me up. I smile and go to meet him.

“Thank you for the tickets.” I say when I reach him.

“I needed to apologize, and I thought you might enjoy this particular play.”

“I didn’t know you remembered,” I said blushing.

“Of course I did. How can I not with you constantly bemoaning peoples inaccurate view of politics?” he said smiling.

“There are, do you remembered w….” I said excitedly, but he cut me short.

“I know,” he said almost lovingly “come on we have to get our seats.”

“But don’t we need get in line?” I asked facing the sea of people ahead of us.

“No of course not I have a premium tickets, I have a friend on the production crew.” he said opening the door for me, and leading me up the stairs.

“Ah thank you I knew you could do it.” I said getting in the last barbs before the curtain went up.

As the first notes of the musical started Barba leaned over to me and said “I wish my horse had the speed of your tongue.”

The play was amazing, it was accurate, and the music was fantastic. The whole experience was breathtaking. It reinvigorated me in a way I couldn’t have imagined. When we finally fought through the crowds and got back on the chilly streets of New York City. God, I loved the city at night. It was so vibrant and full of activity, when the rest of the world went to sleep the city comes alive, and it roars.

“God I forgot my coat, I did everything else. I blame the unclear dress code of the theater,” I said as the cold nipped at my open skin.

“Here take my jacket,” Rafael said shrugging of his jacket but I wave him off. I was strictly against this favor.

“No I forgot it is my fault I shall bare the cross. I am not letting you freeze because of my dumbness.” I said wrapping my arms around me.

“Kat don’t be ridiculous, take the jacket,” he said looking agitated.

“No I made the mistake, I get the consequences.” I said holding firm.

“You are taking this jacket.” the finality in his tone, won, me over. I was not going to have a repeat of last time, I did not have that much money for baked goods.

“Fine, ok but under protest.” I said uncurling my arms.

“What?” he said as he was taking off his coat

“You enjoying the view over there?” he said smirking.

“I am lodging a protest,” I said

“With whom?” he said incensed.

“The International Organization For Women Who Forget Their Coats.”

“Do you bring a coat to the convention” he said rolling his eyes.

“What do you think is the best small take out restaurant around here?” I said changing the topic.

“There is an amazing Mexican food place around the corner.”

“Ok let’s go I have to repay you for the tickets and the jacket” I said, smiling at him.

“Kat it was a present no payment needed,” he said quickly adding, “Ok fine, I’ll take the money, but you need to let me take you to lunch next week.” Walking up to the small take out place Rafael says let me get the food smiling at me in his coat I said “You enjoying the view from over there?”

“More than you know,” he said genuinely smiling, as he turned to go into the restaurant.

As I stood out there I reflected on my life. This was the first time in my life I found someone who I could see a future with, and I had a great job that I loved. As I was lost in thought I felt the jacket vibrate, thinking it might be Olivia I pull it out and read it. Yet it wasn’t Olivia. It was from an unknown number. It simply read “Standing up in court is hard with no kneecaps, we would love for you to keep them.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another thank you to @evs14u for keeping this going! (Also, if you would like to get in on the Hamilton fandom, I am somewhat obsessed. I volunteer to be your guide. Haha.)  
> I might have had a little bit of fun with this one…

“What’s this?”  
I held Barba’s phone out in front of him as he walked up with a bag of takeout.  
“What are you doing with my phone?”  
“You had a message. I told you not to give me your jacket. I can’t be held accountable for what I do with the contents. Back to more important matters - what is this text about?”  
He snatched the phone away. “It’s nothing.”  
“Taking out your kneecaps doesn’t sound like nothing. Sounds like the opposite of nothing.”  
“It may come as a surprise to you, Kat, but not everyone loves what I do. Threats are an unfortunate part of the job.”  
His words sounded confident, but his face was lined with worry, as he typed into his phone.  
“Does this have to do with an SVU case?”  
“I can’t say for sure, but we’ve been questioning witnesses on the Sloane case. There’s a lot of fear there, and his network appears to be more extensive than we thought.”  
“The sex trafficking ring?”  
He nodded and I pulled out my phone.  
“What are you doing?”  
“Texting a friend in TARU to see if we can backtrace the text.”  
“Kat, I didn’t ask you to handle this.”  
“Do I look like I was waiting to be asked? Is this the first threat? Does Olivia know?” Before he could answer I started walking. “Come on, we can have this conversation at your place, not in the middle of street.”  
“Maybe you should just go home while I make some calls.”  
“You are a funny little man. I’m not going anywhere. You just got yourself a bodyguard, whether you want it or not. I’ll sleep in your hallway if I have to.”  
I stopped walking, listening around me.  
“That’s really not necessary. And I’m not sure a sleeping woman in a fancy dress is going to be the deterrent you imagine it to be.”  
I grabbed Barba’s arm and pulled him into an alley, pushing him against the brick. He opened his mouth to speak but I put my finger to his lips and guided his hands to the kick split at the front of my dress.  
“Don’t ask questions,” I whispered, inches from his face. “I need you to rip my dress.”  
“What? Now?”  
“Do I have to do everything myself?”  
Barba’s eyes narrowed and he gritted his teeth as he pulled at the split, turning it into a slit all the way up the length of my thigh.  
“Thank you, dear.”  
In one smooth motion, I reached down to my thigh, pulling my gun from it’s holster and spinning around to the man who had appeared in the alleyway.  
“NYPD! Get down on the ground now! And don’t even think about running.”  
The man put his hands up and eased his way down to the pavement.  
“I didn’t do anything!”  
“Really?” I grabbed my cuffs from the thigh holster and cuffed the guy face down, clicking them closed tight before patting him down. “So you weren’t planning on doing anything with this gun in your jacket, were you?”  
“I’m not saying anything. I have rights.”  
“Yes, which I’ll remind you of in a moment.”  
Barba was standing next to me now, his face flushed, his phone in hand. “I called it in. Officers are on their way. Olivia, too.”  
“Good job, Robin.”  
He squinted, a confused look on his face.  
“Oh, please, can sing the score of Les Miz, but can’t catch a Batman reference.”  
“I caught it, I was just more of a Hulk fan.”  
“Emotional loner. I can see it.”  
He made a face. “And how much do you keep under your dress? It’s like Mary Poppins bag down there.”  
“I like to be prepared for anything.”  
He raised an eyebrow. “Good to know.”  
“So what was that about the girl in the fancy dress not being a deterrent?”  
He slowly smiled.  
“Though she be but little, she is fierce.”

Note: Don’t know if this threat has been neutralized yet…guess we will have to wait and see. :)


	11. Chapter 11

The next couple of hours would be seared forever into her mind; every minute was crystal clear. The first thing they needed was a safe house preferably somewhere with armed guards.

Rushing into the precinct, the first thing I do is shout for Olivia.

“Kat what’s wrong?” she said seeing my ripped dress and wearing Rafael’s coat.

“Someone is threatening Barba’s life and that on my night off.”

“How inconsiderate. Do you want to run this?” she said getting straight to business, this is why she was the best sergeant in all of the NYPD. There was never any bullshit here.

“You would let me?” I asked incredulously, I know she didn’t condone office politics, but this was a big thing to do, even without office politics.

“You know, me merit over rank.” she said giving me a small tired smile, I think she just realized that she wasn’t going to spend the evening with Noah.

Turning around. I saw the guys coming in from what I could only assume was an unauthorized coffee run. Luckily they could be helpful “Boys I need you to do me a favor, Carisi get me your most disgusting sweatpants, Dodds get me that shirt that Amanda almost beat you for, and Fin if I could have your Brooklyn College sweater?”

“What the hell Kit?” Sonny asked.

“Go now.” Whatever it was in my voice they turned and ran towards the locker rooms. At that exact moment Amanda came out of the break room, still watching a live feed of her baby.

“Amanda do we have an open spot in holding?” I asked, and looking up she said, “Yeah but it is not a lot of space, and the clothes change won’t be enough.”

“I know we will change hairstyles and maybe a couple of bruises.” I said looking through my paperwork, for a prisoner intake form.

“Katherine what the hell is going on?” Rafael said finally finding his voice.

“Holy interruptus Batman. We are just going to put you in jail for a couple of days.” I said nonchalantly.

“Jail‽”

“Not for an actual crime dummy, just for safe keeping. It is basic logic, where do you keep what is most valuable? Safes, and what is the human equivalent of a safe? Our holding cell. We are changing your look and behavior, so that they come looking for you, they won’t recognize you.

“How the hell do you know all of this?” he asked exasperated.

“SVU wasn’t my first gig, I spent the last 15 years in Organized Crime, didn’t I tell you?

“No…” I could tell he wanted to say something else but the guys had returned and I turned to them.

“Thanks boys,” I said catching the clothes, and thrusting it into Rafael’s hands, and “go change in Olivia’s office.”

At that moment Tucker walked through the door. Surprised I said “What are you doing here Tucker?”

“An ADA’s life has been threatened, I think IAB as a vested interest.” 

“How did you even hear about this…Liv texted you. I forgot that you are taking my boss home every night. To do, whatever adults do when they have wine and an empty apartment. Rafael came back out of Liv’s office. Not allowing him to ask any questions I said, “Next go wash that gel out of your hair.” Without even asking he turned towards the bathroom. Everyone using their contacts and favors, to get info on the people that wanted to kill Rafael, spent the next couple of minutes. Then I saw Dodds pull out his phone i quickly stopped him. “Dodds do not get Papa Dodds involved yet, give me about an hour head start.” Looking incredulous, I added “Because with brass comes bureaucracy, and I can’t have that right now." Seeing Rafael return, I added “Come here.” Turning to Carisi I said “I need your comb, and before you deny it, think about the fact that Barba’s life is at stake." With a dirty look Carisi opened his top most drawer, pulling out his comb and threw it. Catching it in one hand, I dunked it straight into the fishbowl on Fin’s desk

“Hey, that’s Gail’s home,” he complained.

“You are always saying how important to the team she is. This is her biggest contribution yet." Taking what I only could imagine was a scared and confused lawyer. I pushed him into my chair. He just let me take the reins, something that I could not have imagined in my dizziest daydreams. His hair was now soft, but still in its original form, I started to change his part. When I got to the front I unconsciously put my leg in between his, so I could reach a bit of hair that wasn’t cooperating, I felt him tense and let out a little groan, the second my leg connected with his inner thighs. This is when I realized what I was doing. I knew I couldn’t stop for this however much that I wanted to. I leaned down with the pretense of fixing his sweatshirt, and whispered in his ear, without much forethought “Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.” Mike’s voice brought us both back out of our little moment.

“What is a change of part going to do?”

“Studies show that a hair part change, can throw off most people. Ok Rafael, one last thing before Amanda can book you, and turn you into a real criminal. I am going to have to bruise you a little.” seeing the distraught in his face I added “Facial disfigurations are very important in disguises. People recognize the little things in people’s faces, for you that would be; the eye crinkle and the smirk. So a black eye and a good hit to the jaw.”

“Won’t that draw attention,” Tucker asked.

“No, people look away from those in pain, it makes us uncomfortable, Ready?”

“No!”

“Kat I don’t think this is a good idea. What about makeup?” Tucker asked again, probably trying to spare Rafael the pain.

“He’s gonna smudge it or sweat it off, just trust me dad.” I said without thinking.

I took the opportunity the stunned silence afforded me to punch Rafael in the face. Twice in quick succession. Ironically, this was the first move my dad taught me to get rid of annoying boys.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12 of the shared fic with @evs14u is ready!  
> A/N: A window into the process of this shared fic…@evs14u and I don’t discuss these prior to writing. I see the chapter she writes when everyone else does, and vice versa. We don’t discuss post reading either. It makes things interesting. (in the best way) Also, bless the hot bean juice that is coffee.

“Katherine Rose, do you ever take two minutes to think before you act?”  
Tucker stood in front of me with his hands on his hips, Rafael sitting with a hand over his face.  
“Oh, don’t start that.”  
“You’re telling me not to start?”  
The entire squad was silently staring. If they hadn’t caught on to Tucker and I’s unique relationship a moment ago, the connection was about to be more apparent.  
“I did what needed to be done.”  
“God, you’re so much like your mother sometimes.”  
“Well, yes. Maybe if she thought about things for more than two minutes, I wouldn’t be around for you to worry about, would I?”

Tucker’s face turned bright red. I always had a knack for hitting him where it hurt.  
“You know, maybe this isn’t the time or place for this conversation,” Olivia interjected.  
“I agree. There are more important things to take care of.”  
I turned to see Sonny reappearing with a bag of ice and handing it to Barba. Barba took the ice and looked away.  
Did no one get what I was trying to do?  
“Do we have the guy who came after us in interrogation?” I asked, making my way over to the room for questioning.  
Olivia put up her hand. “You know what, I think it might be better if you let Fin and I handle this.”  
I rolled my eyes, but knew from her tone she was in no mood to argue.  
“Yeah, fine.”  
I walked over to the soda machine and kicked the wall before taking a breath and picking out something to drink.  
“You alright, hon?”  
Amanda was standing there, watching me.  
“Fine.”  
“Yeah, you look fine.”  
I shot Amanda a warning look, letting her know I was in no mood.  
“Look, I get it. You don’t want to talk. And I get what you’re tryin’ to do. Protecting Barba? Thinking things through hasn’t always been my strong suit when it comes to boys either.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“Girl, don’t think I didn’t see his face when you were messin’ up his hair. That’s the face of a man that’s thought about getting his hair messed up by you before. And you’re just lucky your Daddy didn’t see the look on your face.”  
“I think you’re imagining things.”  
She wasn’t, of course, but I hated that she had such a handle on the situation.  
“Okay.” She raised both hands up and shrugged. “But when you want to talk about what’s really going on, you let me know, k?”  
I turned to her, about to say something when Dodds walked up.  
“Three things. One, you need to go over there and make nice with Barba. If for nothing else, for the good of the squad. Two, we can discuss keeping him in holding, but unless you surgically remove his tongue, Barba won’t last a night in gen pop. And three, I’m going to assume that this is the official end to the Daddy Dodds jokes, right, Baby Tucker?”  
I gave my very best death stare and grumbled. “Sergeant. And I was just about to head over to ‘make nice’.”  
“It’s probably gonna take more than a soda. But I guess that’s a start.”  
I made my way over, pausing to whisper to myself.  
“And yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays.”


	13. Chapter 13

“Hey” I said softly opening the door to the break room softly. He sat there in his usual cocky pose but with one hand clamped around the ice packs, that he was pressing against his face.

“What, are we going to go another round?” he asked bitterly.

“No” I said trying to send him an apologetic look, “I am sorry, but it was necessary, it was either me lovingly punching your face, or getting your kneecaps pried off with a crowbar. I think I did you a favor.”

“A favor? Beating me up was a favor,” he said looking genuinely annoyed.

“Yes,” I said taking his hand and removing the icepack that he was clutching, and tracing the outline of the bruise I left on his jaw, he was perfectly still and I could feel the stubble that was starting to grow.

“And when were you going to tell me that your dad is Tucker?” he said lightly touching my fingers.

“You knew my last name.” I said brushing a wayward piece of hair away from his face.

“There are thousands of Tuckers in New York City alone.”

“That sounds like a personal problem to me, and you know what is worse? My dad goes home and sleeps with my boss. If I weren’t so well adjusted I would be on Doctor Phil right now.“ I said smiling at him.

He just stared at me and but rather than opening that can of crazy, he asked, “so what’s next?”

“Well Dodds suggested we remove your tongue,” I said as casually as possible, he looked at me as if I was crazy, loving the look on his face I continued, “Yeah and I tend to agree with him. You won’t be able to keep your mouth shut in holding.”

"You just punched me in the face, now you want my tongue what do you want next my liver?” 

“Out of love, not out of anger, and I want something in your thoracic cavity.”

“I wish my horse had the speed of your tongue,” he said smiling again.

“What I think the best move is we send you to lookup for the weekend and one of us will be in your ear the whole time. We will fit you with a prosthetic and everything, so some dude doesn’t take his probably justified rage out on you.”

"How was it growing up with Tucker as a dad?” he asked.

“He is a good dad, a bit overprotective, and his shadow is quite large. Which is why I try to not work with him as much as possible, which also keeps me on the right side of NYPD bylaws. I know you are worried but I’ll be there with you every step of the way o?. I’ll sleep when you sleep, and you know what next time we do something together can it be without getting a gun involved.”

He smiled “I don’t own any guns.”

“Well than, next time, your place it is,” I said picking up my phone, standing up, and again without thinking, I lent down and kissed his forehead “You are going to be ok, handsome.”


	14. Chapter 14

“This was a terrible idea.”  
Barba’s voice suddenly in my ear made my arm jerk, spilling coffee all over.  
“Crap.”  
“Oh, so you agree?”  
“No, I spilled my coffee. I didn’t know sleeping beauty awoke from her peaceful slumber.”  
“I wouldn’t call dreaming of being shiv’d peaceful.”  
“Don’t be melodramatic. This isn’t HBO.”  
“You do realize I’ve lost witnesses in cases exactly that way.”  
I knew that, but I wasn’t about to encourage him to dwell on that fact.  
“Will you stop talking to me. Someone’s going to hear you.”  
The others in the cell were asleep, but I wasn’t taking any chances.   
“And don’t forget to put your glasses on so I can get a visual.”  
Another grumble.  
The day progressed without incident, mostly because Barba kept his head down and didn’t talk to anyone. But I could see the looks he was getting from one of his new lockup buddies.  
I didn’t like the looks.  
“Rafael, do me a favor and move to the other end of the cell.”  
He stood up and slowly moved across the cell. I watched as the inmate’s eyes followed him, edging forward in his seat.  
I muted my mic in Barba’s ear and spoke into the walkie-talkie at my side. “Fin, time for you to go make friends.”  
It didn’t take long before I saw an officer opening the cell, Fin being sent in.  
He sat near the inmate in question and gave him a nod. He nodded back.  
I watched them shoot the breeze, glancing around the monitor to gauge how Barba was handling it all.  
And that’s when I saw it.  
We had our eyes on the wrong person.  
“Fin, the suit, the suit!!”  
The one man in the cell I hadn’t noticed, the well-dressed, white-collared man was lunging for Barba.  
Fin raced across the cell, pulling the guy off Barba and pinning him to the ground, officers running to open the cell.  
I messed up.  
I ran from the room down the hall where I’d been monitoring everything.  
The team was in motion, taking the suited man into custody for questioning. I knew I should care. I should be running to question the jerk myself. Normally that would have been all I could think about.  
But right now I needed to know Barba was okay.  
“Fin!”  
“He’ll live. But you owe me a sweatshirt.”  
I pushed Fin out of the way and there was Barba, sitting in a chair holding his arm, the sleeve to Fin’s sweatshirt torn and bloodied.  
I slumped down into the chair beside him.  
“I messed up.”  
“Nothing a bandage and a Daddy in IAB can’t fix.”  
Ouch. He speaks poniards and every word stabs, you thought.  
“I’m trying to apologize.”  
“Hey,” Fin walked up, phone to his ear, “Carisi said our suit is a squealer. Looks like we got a lead on who’s behind all this. Guess no one can get good help these days. Come on. I’ll give you two a ride back and we’ll get Barba a band-aid.”  
I walked alongside Barba, searching for the right thing to say, but in a rare moment, I was coming up short.  
Instead, I dug in my bag, pulling out a silk scarf I’d worn a few days ago and forgotten to put away. Before we got in the backseat of the car, I turned to Barba and without a word ripped the sleeve of the sweatshirt where it was torn.  
As I slowly wrapped the scarf around the long, but shallow cut, I quietly recited:  
“If to do were as easy as to know what were good to do, chapels had been churches, and poor men’s cottages princes’ palaces.”  
I tied a small knot as I finished and glanced over at Fin waiting in the car before leaning forward and kissing Barba’s cheek and getting in the backseat.


	15. Chapter 15

“Ok so good news and bad news, we think we know who put the hit out on you, bad news we can’t take you to the hospital they will need to take records and the rest, plus we can’t protect you in an emergency room, so I am going to do it.” I said walking into precinct common room.

“What are you a doctor now?” he said sarcastically looking up from his bleeding arm.

“No, but let’s just say mobsters have a thing for marking those who have turned on them.” I had never told anyone about that, much less unsolicited.

“Kat, I’m…”I cut him off.

“Don’t worry about it,“ taking out the kit, "We now know who we are dealing with, also the whole organization has promised to lay off you, so no more shivs, which I think is a pretty good deal. And before you ask, yes my C.I.’s bear that out. They have given you immunity. You are free to do your business and they didn’t even stipulate that you need to back off of the case which was surprising but hey don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, right?” I said unpacking the stitch kit.

“They are just letting me off the hook?” he said wincing, as I cleaned out his wound.

“Yes. They probably have a different strategy, it turns out putting a hit out on an ADA is not worth the trouble if you have unreliable help, and they thought they could pressure you into backing off. It seems SVU is well known in the underworld, I think this is as close as I will come to rock star status, so I am going to enjoy it.”

The next couple of weeks were the best in long time; we got back to business as usual. We had dinner and lunch together every day, one evening after he insisted on walking me to my door. After my serious protests about who had saved whose life, but he wouldn’t back down and I wanted to get inside.

“Ok you do not have to walk me to the door. The stairs aren’t looking to kill me.”

“They just might be the way you treated them, after you put out my cigarette.”

“I have a father that smokes I will not have a …” As if he didn’t want me to define our relationship right there, he grasped my face and kissed me. This betrayed this kind of passion. I felt myself being pushed softly against the wall of my apartment. His hands wandered from my face to my hips pushing me further into the wall. With this increase of pressure, I moved my hands from his chest to his hair. Amanda had been right he had thought about this before, not that I would admit that to her any time soon that I had thought about this as well. "Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.“ he whispered as he peppered kisses all over my face, as if he wanted to memorize it with his lips. When he started to move to my neck I stopped him. Even though stopping, was the farthest thing from my mind.


	16. Chapter 16

“I need you to go.”  
He alternated between staring at my eyes and lips. “Is that what you want?”  
“If it was what I want, I would have said so. I believe the word I used was ‘need’.”  
“Why?”  
He leaned in and kissed the soft spot where my jawline met my neck, just below the ear. A tremor ran through my entire body.  
“Because I don’t need complications. I have enough of those in my life.”  
“Oh?”  
As he spoke, his lips brushed my neck. I couldn’t concentrate. Not like this. I pushed him back, locking my elbow to keep the distance.  
“Yes. We’ve been through this. Remember? And you should know better than to press when a girl says no.”  
He stepped back. That did it.  
“So, that’s really what I am? Just a complication.”  
“I didn’t say that. I was having fun. I thought you were too, with the banter and the flirting.”  
“I’m a little old for games, Katherine.”  
“I didn’t say it was a game.”  
“I’m not a complication. I’m not a game. What exactly am I?”  
I didn’t want to think about what he was. That was the whole point.  
“A distraction, maybe? Don’t get me wrong, as distractions go, you’re a pretty one.” I was trying to lighten the mood, but his stare was intense. He wasn’t kidding about not playing games. “Distraction probably isn’t right either. Although all of this is distracting. I can’t be expected to think straight and answer your questions properly when you can’t keep your body parts to yourself.”  
That time, the corner of his mouth moved upward ever so slightly.  
“Fine.”  
“Fine?”  
That was unexpected. And disappointing.  
“It seems to me you need time to figure out what you want. So, you’ve got it.”  
Is that what I was asking for? I didn’t even know. And I certainly didn’t like having him decide that for me.  
I watched as he slid his hands in his pockets and started to take a step back to leave. Before I could object, he turned back to face me, taking a few steps forward so he was inches from my face.  
“Just remember, time is very slow for those who wait, very fast for those who are scared, very long for those who lament, very short for those who celebrate. But for those who love, time is eternal.”  
His lips brushed mine as he whispered ‘goodnight’, and left me standing on the steps, dangerously alone with my own thoughts, wondering how time would pass for me.


	17. Chapter 17

Why was I this dumb, I should have just let him in, let him do unspeakably delicious things to me, but no I had to be rational. This was never going to work, this would prompt an IAB investigation, and if worst came to worse Rafael would have his license revoked. What would they say about her at the water cooler? The NYPD had done great things over the years, but eradicating sexism wasn’t one of them. I also couldn’t put my dad in that situation. I called Liv and said I wanted to use some of my overtime. A friend of mine had had a little house in upstate NY, I shut down everything no phone no computer just me my thoughts and my books. Why couldn’t I make it work? Because you are detective and he is an ADA this is what they taught you at the academy, screw a lawyer and you will end up being screwed and not in the fun way. A real chance at happiness? No, Katherine Tucker could not allow that. So when I came back my body was well rested but my brain was no clearer. I as I was walking through our building cheerily singing

“Rock,

Plymouth Rock would land on them.

In olden days, a glimpse of stocking

Was looked on as something shocking.

But now, God knows,

Anything goes.

Good authors too who once knew better words

Now only use four-letter words

Writing…. What the fuck?” I said setting down my bag; there were a lot of officials going through every inch of the precinct.

“What’s your name?” a tall smirking brawly man asked.

“Arrest me or go fuck yourself, you have no grounds to search this precinct.” I said reaching for my phone; someone needed to know about this.

“Our warrant says different,” he said still smirking.

“What dumbass DA would even helped you file this warrant?” I said reading the reading warrant. Which one those little rats did this, I was going to snap each of their necks. I get career ambition but throwing an entire department open to be raided that was much even for them.

“His name is Rafael Barba.” the detective said offhanded. I froze, what the hell how dare he, was this because…no it can’t be, he isn’t that dumb.

“On what grounds?” I said trying to make sense of this.

“We have a suspect in custody for taking bribes, solicitation, rape, and whatever else we can make stick, he spends his life being all high and mighty telling other cops how to do their job well it is time we showed him how good we’ve gotten. Holier than thou Tucker,” he said maliciously, he had no idea who he was talking to.

“You arrested my father!” I yelled. I started looking for the rest of my team. They were easy to find, they all had been quarantined in Liv’s office. So I walked outside pulled out my phone and texted Carisi.

_I saw you guys; I’m getting as much info as I can hang tight._

On my way over to Rafael’s office my numbness turned to rage. I practically ran up the steps ignored Carmen’s pleas to hold on, and just burst through his door.

“What were you thinking, arresting my dad, that’s how we are going to play this?” I yelled. I had scared him when I burst through the door, but he quickly collected his cool. The second he had it, I started in again “There can’t be any evidence my dad isn’t taking bribes from the mob.”

“Why not? My boss has evidence of calls, and pictures, Kat. I know you think this is personal, but it’s not me.” he said, how could he be so disinterested.

“Why not? Because, he hasn’t forgiven them for the time they almost disemboweled his daughter, who nearly died in his arms on the way to the emergency room. I mean disembowelment might be a little low on your scale but for me it’s right up there. How dare you? You know my father he is about as subtle as a shotgun. So not only do you allow my father to be taken to jail, where people know he is a cop, you also slander his reputation with rape charges. You know I always thought you were the kind of man who cared for those who stood up for what was right, in the face of adversity. It turns out you are just a face in the crowd. Away!, Thou'rt poison to my blood” He hadn’t expected this, I had gotten to him. He instantaneously reached out to touch me, but I pulled back instantly, something I had never done before.

“Look I am sorry I didn’t want this, they brought the evidence to my bosses, I had to.”


	18. Chapter 18

Rafael shut the door before I could reach for it, standing in the way with his arms crossed.  
“I survived having my guts literally spilled, and you think tapping your fancy shoes at me and standing in my way is any sort of deterrent? I’d say I don’t want to hurt you, but you should know that would not be an honest statement right now.”  
He put his hand up, and spoke close and quiet.  
“You think I didn’t try calling you a million times when I got wind of the charges? I didn’t choose the timing on this. I’m trying to do the right thing here. For these charges to stick, these guys have to have their hooks in the DAs office. At least with me on the case I can be sure someone working this is honest.”  
“How do I know you are? Why should I trust you?”  
“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”  
“When did Shakespeare say that?”  
“He didn’t. I’m not playing a game right now, Katherine. There’s a lot I can’t tell you, and you are probably going to hate me more than you do at this moment. Know that I wouldn’t put either of us through that for nothing.”  
How could I trust him? I barely trusted myself.  
“I’m also afraid you are about to get more time and space than you asked for. So, forgive me for this.”  
He grabbed me by the waist, pulling me against him so quickly I didn’t have a chance to even think about pulling away, his lips already pressed against mine.  
I should push him away. Kick him. Stomp on his shiny shoes. Anything. Who did he think he was, coming after my father, than expecting me to not only trust him, but let him do this?  
As the thoughts flew through my head, I couldn’t help but notice that I wasn’t doing any of those things. Instead, I stood there, as if I knew this could be the last time for a long time I’d feel his lips against mine.  
When he finally released me, he said one word.  
“Hemingway.”  
“What?”  
“I was quoting Hemingway.” He stepped to the side and opened the door. “Now get out of my office and don’t come back.”


	19. Chapter 19

“I got to go, I can’t do this. This is too much for me. I can’t do this. God we would make such a good soap opera.” I said pushing past him.

“El Bien de los Malos Tiempos” he said softly, smiling. I just walked out.

Ok let’s think about this logically, who could have forced Rafael to go after my father, 1PP? Who wants to bring down my father, someone who knows corrupt cops. I had to go back to Organized Crime. Walking into that precinct was like a time loop, everything was the same, the smell of stale coffee, and even staler donuts. I smiled, when I became a detective, I asked my father what was the most sexist squad, and he pointed me right to Organized Crime. So I went, and it wasn’t easy, but I did it. That’s the thing with this squad, they aren’t sexist because they hate women, they wouldn’t be married if that were true. They are just fiercely protective of their brotherhood, and anyone who threatens that is treated with no respect. But respect is a tricky thing, do your part, close a couple of hard cases, and you start to crack their shells, and after you take a bullet for one of the guys, you become one of them. That was the best, once they let you in the group, you were protected for life. I never had siblings growing up. But I imaged it like this, my brothers were of course cops, burly men most ex-military, and when I brought my first boyfriend, they had almost brought him to tears, stating if he cries that he wasn’t worthy. I never saw that guy again.

“Hey Jeremy, Tucker is back. I think she misses Organized Crime, maybe SVU is too much for her.” Sam said tapping Jeremy.

“I always knew she was soft.” Jeremy replied.

“Hey I can hear you, and you don’t want me to go to your wives with that sort of talk right.”

“You are coming to dinner on sunday.”

“I love you guys, but I need your help someone is accusing my father of being a dirty cop

“What straight shooter Tucker? That man couldn’t be dirty even if he tried.” Jeremy said half laughing.

“Wasn’t he the one who was undercover in a brothel and negotiated that pimps let all the girls go and pay for their recovery?”

“Yep but someone from our jurisdiction is accusing him of bribery.” I said.

“What dick, of a DA allowed that?” Sam said.

Without thought I said “his hands are tied.”

“Oh it’s not your…” Jermey said with a pitying look, “Oh KitKat, I am going to go teach him a lesson.”

“He might be an asshole right now, but he cares and he is honest. He doesn’t suffer fools either. He also doesn’t have political ambitions, so don’t go there.” Every C.I. was called, but nothing. If someone knew something they weren’t letting up. When Sunday came I made my way to the small colonial on the outskirts of the city. I had walked these streets for years, this route was second nature. When my father had started as a detective and I was too young to be by myself, I had stayed at the Connley's it had become second nature, they had been a constant fixture in my life, and I need that.

“I heard you had a rough week.” Linda, Jeremy’s wife said,”Poor Ed, he is one of the best men I know.” I walked into the dining room, I saw the whole gang, the whole family was here. Four generation of Connely.

Yells of “Aunty Kat.” came from the table, three little kids came rushing towards me.

“Hey there, I got something for you,” I said pulling an envelope out my briefcase.

A chorus of “Show us show us!”

“Officially NYPD stamps you can now send official nypd mail, just don’t perpetrate any crimes with them.” I said handing out the little squares.

“Come here Kat,” Papa Connelly said pulling me into a bear hug, and he whispered to me, “you are going to be ok.” After he had retired from being commissioner, he had decided to cook, that rather than catching bad guys. The whole dinner was wonderful, though no one talked about the Ed Tucker sized elephant in the room. “I am sorry I am late” Frank Connelly, said from the door, “there was a hubbub at the… oh Kat is here, Kat I am…”

“Save it I know you didn't do it be malicious. I just I can’t anymore.”

“The intel is reliable Kat, I wouldn't…” he said.

“I know I am not blaming you I don’t know who to blame.”

“I tried to do everything, I could to make it fair. I even put the best ADA on it he is the best, a great kid out of Harvard, his conviction rate is something to be reckoned with, you should know him he works with SVU.”

“Yeah I do, more than you know.”

“He is Kat’s boyfriend.” the kids piped up.

“Not really, it’s confusing, and it involves Shakespeare and Hemingway.”

“I am sorry I didn’t know.” Frank said, looking truly sorry, he was a good man.

“It’s good you didn’t I know he’ll do the right thing, and just as my life was looking like it could be somewhat normal.”

There was another ring at the door. “I’ll get it.” I said with my plate already empty.

“Rafael what are you doing here, how do you even know… wait I told you didn’t I?” as I saw him on the doorstep.

“I am sorry I know you are..” he said but I cut him off, I couldn’t stand the sight of him.

“At dinner with people who actually care how I am.”

“I do care, that’s why I’m here.”

“What do what, sully the one bright spot in my week?” I was getting to my breaking point.

“No to give you a heads up the second you get home you will be served with a search warrant…they think you are a co-conspirated.”

“You let them?”

“It isn’t my department.”

“Not your department, you started this whole thing.” I said getting really mad.

“I can’t interfere with the investigation.”

“No you can, you did for Muiñoz, I guess I am not as important as Yelina, I should have known…” This was it, I started crying.

“Don’t you dare I…”

Through my sobs, I cut him off and said “Don’t you dare say you care about me. If they have a search warrant, that means they have reasonable cause. It also means that tomorrow they are going to haul my ass into 1PP, and ask me all sorts of question. Let me tell you Rafael, I won’t lie to them. I will tell them whatever they want to know.” I said, steadying my voice, and adding some Hemmingway, “Any form of betrayal can be final. Dishonesty can be final. Selling out is final.”


	20. Chapter 20

I sat in the cold, sterile room, waiting to be questioned. It amazed me that they would question cops in this environment.   
I’d been in this room before. A botched UC op that ended with me in a hospital bed meant lots of questions.   
But it was different this time. No friendly faces. Just me wondering who would be walking through that door.  
“Ms. Tucker.” A detective I didn’t recognize sauntered into the room, an equally unrecognizable partner with him, and sat across from me. “We’re just having a conversation here. Camera isn’t even running.”  
“Ask whatever you like. I don’t have anything to hide.”  
“No? Is that why we found this under a loose floorboard in your apartment?”  
He tossed a small plastic bag on the table. Inside was a necklace with an engraved charm. I examined the trinket, my pulse quickening as I read the words.  
“Eu vou sempre me lembrar de você.”*  
“It’s a romantic sounding language, Portuguese. Don’t understand a word of it, but it sounds lovely. Hey, isn’t that what the Borrego family is? Portuguese?”  
That name. The Borregos. Once thought to be just a small family involved in petty theft and the occasional drug deal, the Borregos turned out to be the masterminds behind one of the fastest growing mob families in the five boroughs.  
They were also the family I infiltrated when I worked UC in Organized Crimes.  
But that charm…it should have been locked up in evidence ages ago. And the floorboard in my apartment? No one knew about that spot even if I had hid something there. No one except…  
“If I’m going to talk I want the A.D.A. in here. I need to know I’m getting the deal I deserve if I open my mouth one more second.”  
The detectives exchanged looks.  
“How do we know you have anything to offer?”  
“You don’t. But I could just as easily invoke my right to a lawyer right now and that will be the end of this conversation. I’m sure the A.D.A. is just outside, so get him in here. Now.”  
“You’re not under arrest, but if that’s the way you want to play it–”  
“Do you really think I don’t know how you want to play this? ADA Barba. NOW.”  
The older of the two detectives opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by a quick tap on the door. They left, and Barba entered.  
“Barba–”  
He put his hand up, opening his portfolio and sitting in front of you, tapping the paper in front of him.  
“Just give me a moment before you begin, Ms. Tucker.”  
He held his pen against the yellow legal pad in front of him, but stared directly into your eyes, slowing guiding your gaze with his eyes to the pad.  
Be careful what you say.  
“So, I’m told you want to cooperate with the investigation.”  
I moved over slightly in my seat, so my hands would only be visible to Barba. The camera sitting on the table might not be running, but I knew where the security camera was in the room and didn’t need anyone seeing this.   
As I spoke, I very slowly signed a series of letters, praying that Barba had the same knowledge of sign language any elementary school child would.  
“Aldo Borrego. That’s where the charm came from. When I was undercover, he ended up being my way in.”  
I continued slowly spelling, relieved as I saw Barba writing down the letters I signed rather than the words I spoke in his notepad.  
“And by that you mean?”  
“He had a thing for me. I let him think that maybe the feeling was mutual.”  
“Ergo the little love note on the trinket you decided to keep?”  
I wanted to tell him the real detail. Yes, the trinket was from Aldo. But he gave it to me the day before the family went after me. I don’t know if it was meant to be a farewell or a warning, but my cover was already blown and my attack already planned.  
That trinket should have been in evidence. Someone never logged it. Someone held on to it.  
And that someone knew enough about me and my apartment to plant it.  
My stomach twisted as I finished spelling.  
“Yes.”  
“Well, that’s lovely, Ms. Tucker, but is this information leading up to something we can actually use?”  
I stood up and leaned forward, slowly, and whispered in his ear. “I’m trusting you with everything.”  
He whispered back. “You’ll get through this. The world breaks everyone, and afterwards, some are strong at the broken places.”  
He backed away and spoke louder.  
“I’m sorry, Ms. Tucker, but that sort of proposition may have been enticing to your mob friends, but it doesn’t’ work on the D.A.s office.”  
I did my best not to smile. Barba was quick on his feet, and knew how to play to his possible audience, in this case, a bunch of sexist cops who would have no problem assuming I had made an indecent proposal to save myself.  
“Well, that’s a shame,” I said, straightening up and sitting back down. “Because if you think I actually plan on giving you any information to help you make a case against my own blood, you’re an idiot.”  
“Then we’re done here.”  
He closed the portfolio, and although I knew I still had a tough and unknown road ahead, I took solace in seeing the name he had written down. He had a lead.  
Even though seeing that name broke my heart.  
Jeremy Connelly.


	21. Chapter 21

I had always suspected Jermey of not always being in the straight and narrow. After his son was born severely underweight. The little guy had to stay in the hospital for months, and even with the best medical insurance a cop’s salary could buy, there was just no way that he could have paid for the surgeries. We had all suspected he had a second job, but we never thought it would get this far. Of course the IAB guys still thought I was the main target, so I spent another day with wonderfully intrusive questions. Like “how was it growing up without a mother?”, “Do you think your father neglected you as a child?”, “Has the relationship with your father affected your dating life?”, at this last one I broke. I couldn’t handle the insinuations.

“My sex life is fine thank you for asking, and remind me to file this with HR.” After that they went easier. In these sort of questionings you needed to pick your battles. You couldn’t rise to their petty threats, even though it was so enticing. Questions like “Why did you study at Annapolis, when you could have gone to college nearer to your father?” The answer was simple I wanted to get a great free education, and I knew I wanted to serve as an officer in the marines. I wanted to break out of my world view at the time, there was no latent rage there, which is what they had been insinuating. My whole family was in the Marines, my father had fought in the First Gulf War, his older brother Trevor served in Vietnam, and Grandpa served in World War II. My masters dissertation had been about World War II vets, because my grandfather had told me so many stories about the guys he had served with. Men I had grown up with, men who had babysat me, when my father was pulling a late shift. The men who had given me my first beer with the saying “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” Men who had taught me how to throw my first punch, who had played catch with me, who had taught me the value of teamwork, and service, now looked the other way when they saw me in the hallways. Men I had always looked up to, couldn’t look at me anymore. I was pulled out of my thoughts by another insulting question “Are you dating anyone?” Here I had to be careful, I couldn’t lie here, that could come back to bite me in the ass, but exposing the only person who had been helping me, wasn’t wise either.

“Define dating.” I said trying to buy myself some time.

“Someone who you have a romantic connection with.”

“You are still unclear sir, I could say that I have a romantic connection with Colin Firth, that doesn’t mean that we will ever be together.” I snarked, yes snark that’s how you get them off your back.

“We asked you a straightforward question.” the IAB detective said

“No you didn’t, you asked an invasive question about my personal life” I was getting mad, they had something on me, I could feel it why couldn't they come out and say it.

“Have you ever had an inappropriate relationship with a coworker?”

“No.” I said, I loved Barba’s snark, he had said it himself he doesn’t work for the NYPD.

“Moving on, have you ever been addicted to any controlled substance?”

“Excuse me?” I said my eyes widening, they could not have this, those medical records were sealed.

“We asked have you ever…”

“I heard you I just didn’t think you would ask someone that question.”

“So Ms. Tucker” the IAB detective started again, but I was quick to interrupt him again.

“Lt. Tucker to you,” I said cooly.

“Excuse me?” he said not looking up from his notes.

“You said it yourself I am a graduate of the naval academy. I served 2 tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, I suggest you use the proper title.” I wasn't going to stand for this, if they were going to get me for having PTSD, they better do with the right title.

“Fine Lt. Tucker have you ever used drugs?” the IAB agent said clearly getting annoyed.

“Often they have literally changed my life.” The stared at me blankly, and I added “I am pretty sure you have used drugs before as well, they are a little nifty class of drugs called antibiotics they have been around for a stretch you might have….”

“Lt. Tucker, You understood my question, are you or have you ever abused drugs?” They knew they had my records, I am not sure how, but they did, they knew about the Valium.

 


	22. Chapter 22

“Do you ask questions you have the answers to in order to set a baseline of truth, or are you hoping to somehow shame me?”  
“Ms. Tucker–”  
“Lieutenant.”  
He sighed.  
“Are you refusing to answer the question?”  
“No. I came back from two tours having seen horrors you can’t imagine. It took time to adjust and my doctor put me on a prescription, like hundreds of thousands of other people, to help with the PTSD. If you know anything about taking benzodiazepines, you know that even under a doctor’s care, they can be highly addictive. When it was clear that a dependency developed, I checked myself into an outpatient program, and despite the painful process that is withdrawal, I was cleared by the NYPD for duty. So before you sit there painting a picture of a desperate junkie who would do anything for a fix, let’s be clear on what that little note in your file is really about. A soldier who could barely sleep because the pictures of bloodied, mangled bodies screaming in agony appeared every time she tried, and the one crutch offered did more damage than good because we live in a throw-away society that stops caring the second you are no longer useful to them.”  
Both men stared at me, blinking, the only break in silence the sounds of one clearing his throat and sniffling.  
I leaned back in my chair, sipping the tepid coffee in front of me.  
“Did you get all that down for your report?”  
The Detective who appeared less moved by my statement ignored my question.  
“What’s the nature of your relationship with Aldo Borrego?”  
“I have no relationship with Aldo Borrego. Again, as I’m sure you know from my file, when I worked UC I had to pretend to have a relationship with him to keep my cover.”  
“Did you develop feelings for him?”  
“Yeah. Feelings of overwhelming nausea.”  
“This is not a joke.”  
“I’m not laughing. I wonder how many of your male UCs get asked that question every time you send them out to grind on a stripper or play John to a prostitute.”  
“That’s different.”  
“Would you like to explain what’s different? And say it nice and loud so we get it on camera.”  
The camera had been turned on the last time I mentioned HR, a fact that seemed to actually be more helpful for me than them.  
They weren’t about to admit what they really thought. Females let their feelings get in the way on the job. They couldn’t be expected to keep things separate.  
Funny how in my experience, the opposite seemed to be true.  
“That’s all we have for you, Ms. Tucker.” The detective emphasized the Miss as he closed his notebook. “You’re not under arrest but it’s recommended you don’t leave the jurisdiction.”  
I took a deep breath as I stepped outside of 1PP, my mind racing with what I needed to do next.  
“Need a lift?”  
I looked over to see Sonny leaning against a wall, smiling.  
“Who let you drive?”  
“Hey, I made it here, didn’t I? Come on. I’ll let you drive.”  
“Where we headed?”  
“Your place.” He looked around and lowered his voice as we walked side by side. ”Barba asked me to be your unofficial security detail. There’s a few of us chasing down the lead you gave him and Fin reached out to an old friend or two he trusts.”  
“What have you found?”  
Sonny shook his head. “Nope.”  
“What do you mean, nope?”  
“Counselor says under no condition am I to discuss the details of the case with you.”  
“You’re really going to listen to what he says?”  
“Apparently if I have any sort of attachment to the current placement of my balls, I will.”  
I looked at Sonny, shocked. “What?”  
“He can be pretty threatening for a little guy. Oh, and he told me to tell you something else. Hold on, let me think…” Sonny thought for a moment, then snapped his fingers. “Never confuse movement for action. Ha. He thought I would forget.”  
I didn’t like sitting still. I didn’t like leaving my fate and the fate of my father in someone else’s hands.  
But for the moment, I was out of ideas.  
“I guess it’s takeout at my place then.”


	23. Chapter 23

I opened my door, and let Carisi in, opening my takeout menu drawer to give him a selection.

“Wow I never thought your place would look like this,” Carisi said impressed. My apartment was my safe space, so I had it decorated for that purpose. It was full of little knick-knacks from my life. My diploma, my first beat cop hat and nightstick. The walls were littered with pictures from a happy, and great life.

“What did you think it would look like?” I asked maybe a bit too defensively.

“I am not sure, just not this” he said still fascinated by the place.

“What just because I am a cop I can’t been good at interior decorating.”

“It’s just as if I walked into the after shot of an episode of Barebones.” he said settling down in my couch.

“You watch home makeover shows?

“What I have to do something on the weekend,” he said leafing through my magazines. He still looked bewildered at the entire scene.

“You could just spend it with Rollins,” I said cheekily.

“I do, but there is only so much time you can spend with people before you are unwelcome.”

“I think she would welcome you into her into her apartment at any time day or night.” I said winking at him and preparing us something to drink.

Ignoring my jabs at him, he turned the conversation on me “So you and Barba?”

“What about me and Barba?”

“I have never seen him so furious, as when he found out that they were hauling you in.”

“He just doesn’t like injustice, I don’t think it has anything to do with me.” I said deflecting I was getting better and better at this.

“Oh it definitely was the injustice of it,” He said sarcastically “he likes you everyone with eyes can see that. Do you remember when you were doing his hair, had the rest of us not been there it would have turned into office sex.”

“I would never.” I said trying to sound appalled.

“Oh come on you have thought about it,” he wasn’t wrong. He continued, “Amanda even says so.” he said defensively not realizing he had walked into a trap.

“When did she tell you that, which you two were rolling around naked?”

“There is nothing…” he said but I cut him off.

“Oh come off it, you and I both know that you two are head over heels for each other. There is just that little thing of the NYPD Code and Conduct keeping you two apart. I think you should persevere. I mean all great loves start with pastries don’t they?” Moving on before I revealed more personal information without thought I said, “Honestly my case is a tossup, I am not sure how they even move forward, they have to charge him or let him go, and they can’t just keep vamping because of the Brady rule.”

“Since when are you into law, maybe when a certain lawyer?” I gave him a death glare.

“I am going to stop you right there. When I got out of Navy I wanted to pursue a law degree but I wasn’t born with 200,000 dollars under my pillow so I went to the academy and became a cop.”

“You could do what I did?” he said lighting up.

“What go to night school?” I said looking exasperated.

“Barba could quiz you” Carisi said wiggling his eyebrows.

“First off all no, second off all you know they don’t pay us the big bucks. I would have to take out loans, and…” but this time he cut me off.

“That sounds like a bunch of excuses.”

“Maybe,” I said unsure, “but I don’t know, I mean I applied a couple of years ago to NYU night program, but I just…”

“Then go it will help you deal with this nightmare, get your mind away from this mess. Plus you’re suspended anyway, and you’ll go crazy if you don’t have something to do. I think you are just scared because you think that you’ll like too much. I’ll make you a deal when this is over, come back with me to Fordham for a night and see if you like it. I have a teacher that works at NYU, you can ask him some questions.”

“Ok fine, thank you Sonny,” I said smiling.

“You know that’s the first time..."

“Yes I do, you earned it. I am crazy about loyalty especially these days.”

“Well, you know 1PP, right? That extra P is for Politics.”

“As Hemingway said "Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know".” he said with mock authority.

“Barba told you to tell me that didn’t he?”

“Maybe” he said smiling, I smiled back picked up the Chinese takeout menu, and dialed the number.


	24. Chapter 24

I watched as Sonny’s eyes closed and his breathing slowed.  
Some security detail, I thought, as I crept out of my apartment.  
To be fair, I did give him decaf when he asked for a cup of coffee, and I might’ve slipped a little something extra in there to speed things along.  
But I couldn’t just sit there waiting around any longer.  
I looked at my phone and confirmed the location of the meet.  
Jeremy would be there waiting.  
He may have betrayed me, sold me out, but I believed deep down that he had a good heart. He was caught up in a difficult situation and made a terrible choice, one he was going to pay for. But maybe I could convince him to buy himself some favor by giving up what he knew.  
When I arrived at the location, I spotted his car parked a block a way.  
I made my way over, but I froze when I was close enough to see his face.  
Something wasn’t right. The look in his eyes. I’d seen that look before.  
It was the same scared, lifeless look I’d seen in too many men moments after someone had taken their last breath from them.  
Jeremy was dead.  
I slipped into an alley and pulled out my phone. But who could I call? In a genius move, I’d knocked out one of the few people I knew for a certainty I could trust.  
Fin. I’d call Fin.  
Dad was never fond of him, yet he seemed to had an odd respect for the fact that Fin never seemed to have a hidden agenda.  
The phone rang once before it was knocked from my hands, clattering across the pavement.  
“Ola, meu amor.”  
The dark-haired, handsome, and terrifying man standing before me smiled.  
“Aldo.”  
“I’ve missed you.” He ran his fingers through my hair, holding it in his fist as he breathed on me, the sickeningly familiar smell of cherry tobacco in my face. “I heard your father ran into some trouble. Thought you might be able to use my help.”  
I had to tread carefully. I knew how dangerous Aldo could be. And I now knew he was involved and might be my best chance at tracking down who was dirty. He might be my chance to exonerate my father.  
“That’s good of you.”  
“Oh? I expected more of a fight from you, Kat.”  
“I think we might be of use to each other, Aldo. Plus, I’ve learned a lot about myself since we last saw each other.” I leaned in close and whispered in his ear. “I desire the things that will destroy me in the end.”  
He leaned back to look at me and grinned. “Come with me, then.”  
I took his arm and walked with him to the black SUV around the corner and took a deep breath, hoping this wasn’t the last time I’d see freedom.


	25. Chapter 25

The second I had entered the car, I regretted it. I wanted to go back to my apartment, wake up Sonny and just crawl into bed. I want to call Rafael have him come over and just hold me, I wanted all of this to be over. Yet I know what I had to. I wanted my father free of this slander. I wanted my life back, I wanted to go back to work, and I wanted to take this problem off of everyone’s shoulders. So I went with Aldo, we drove throughout New York. Nearing the Bronx.

Rafael ran his hand through his hair for what seemed like the 100th time. How was he going to save her, how could he help her? It was funny he had spent his whole career protecting himself and his record, the second Kat and SVU come along, and here he was sticking his neck out. He laughed half hearted about this; all he wanted was to do well in her eyes. Oh how his life had changed, he hadn’t realized the second he had met her, it had been too much when he did, yet after many nights of conversation and takeout you could not help like her. She was light, yet smart. Without pretense, yet cunning. So many thoughts had crossed his mind since they had last kissed; he had never had that before, those real feelings. He had always thought he had loved Yelina, but in the last couple of months he had realized that he had been in-love with the idea of Yelina. Kat was different she felt real. All he wanted was to spend a weekend with her, wake up late make her breakfast in bed. Kiss her neck, while she was dancing to Samba. His phone vibrating on his desk called him away from this rosy future. His heart jumped when he saw the name. Tucker. Then he remembered that she had put her name as Kit Kat in his phone, mostly to annoy him. Ed Tucker was calling him this was going to be short but not sweet.

“Barba.”

“Mr. Barba it is Ed Tucker” Rafael heard the gruff voice on the other end.

“Yes, what can I do for you sir?”

“Sir? Since when do you…”

“How can I help you” Rafael said quickly hurrying onward, not wanting to discuss his slip.

“I am scared for Katherine.” He heard fear in his voice.

“Why, I have Carisi watching her, he may seem like a goof but he is a good detective, and will protect…”

“Yeah I know, but I was just at home and I realized that her bedroom was missing her photo album.”

“Photo albums?”

“Yes Kat keeps one for every year, she says that one day they will help the aliens chronicle a normal human life” Rafael chuckled

“Yeah that sounds like her.”

“The thing is she keeps most of her albums here, because she says in her own apartment that she’ll get lost in them. Yet the last couple of years that usually stay have gone missing. These are the years she spent right before she came to SVU.”

“Maybe she wanted to review them?” Rafael asked hopeful.

“No she wouldn’t want… look it’s not my place to tell you her story but those weren’t the happiest of her life. She wouldn’t take them with her.”

“Ok… I’ll go check up on her right now. I wanted to bring her…” he said closing his laptop and getting ready.

“Can it son, I saw the way you looked at her while she was… punching you.” Tucker paused, but then continued, “Don’t worry I am not too protective of her, just make sure you do right by her, and don’t let her fool you, she cares a lot.”

“Of course sir.” Rafael said.

“I do wish we could have done this under better circumstances.”

“Every man’s life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.”

“Hemingway, she would like that.”

“She does.”

“Ok, tell me how she is.”

The second Rafael hung up a fear spread within him, Tucker had been right something was wrong. He pocketed in his phone and grabbed his jacket brushing by a confused Carmen. When he reached Kat’s doorstep, he saw Carisi and the fear spread. When their eyes met, Rafael knew she wasn’t here anymore, she was gone, and no one knew were. His first thought was fear for her, second was anger at Carisi, and third was a feeling he couldn’t describe.


	26. Chapter 26

“How could you let this happen Carisi?!”

“Listen, Counselor–”

“I can’t believe I trusted you with her security. Now we have no clue where Kat is, or who she’s with, or if she’s even…”

Barba stopped. It was the first moment he had thought the worst. He assumed that the Borregos were involved, and he had taken a deeper dive into the op Kat was involved in years ago. The family was rough, but that Aldo was a particularly nasty piece of business.

He was educated, intelligent, charming even, and used that to continue to get away with all kinds of underhanded dealings.

Even murder.

If he or any of his associates set their sights on Kat…

Barba came back to reality as Sonny snapped his fingers in his face.

“Barba, you with me?”

“What are you babbling about, Carisi?”

“As I was saying, you’re making a lot of assumptions, and you know what happens when you assume.”

“Thanks, but I’m not really in the mood for the folksy wisdom at the moment.”

“We have a lead on where Kat is. Better than that, actually.”

“What?”

“Yeah, well, Fin and I kinda figured she might try something, although I will admit I didn’t think dosing my coffee was one of those things. Anyhow, there’s a tracker on her. Fin’s old buddy who used to work SVU is working with him now on finding her location.”

“You know where she is?”

“We should any minute.”

“How did you get a tracker on her?”

Sonny was looking down at his phone and shrugged. “I stuck it in her pocket.”

“And she didn’t find it odd that you were shoving your hands in her pockets?”

Sonny had the phone to his ear now, rolling his eyes and making a face.

“Settle down, lover boy. She grabbed the takeout from the delivery guy and I stuck the change in her pocket and slipped the tracker in with it.”

Barba started to respond, but Sonny put up his finger, pointing to the phone. 

“You got an address? Alright. We have any idea what we’re dealing with…yeah, well that kind of equipment would take some brass and we’re not sure who we can trust…alright. Let me run it by Barba and I’ll call you right back.”

Sonny hung up and Barba waited impatiently to be filled in.

“So, we have a location, but we need some equipment so we know what we’re walking into. We’ve got a few of us to raid the place, but that won’t do much good if we’re walking into a place with twenty guys and heavy security.”

“Get to the point, Carisi.”

“Fin said Mike is in the loop and could get us access to what we need on the DL, using his Dad’s creds. But if this goes south…”

“Tell him to do it. And do it fast.”

~~~

It took a certain amount of confidence and hubris to take a prisoner to your own apartment, I thought as I sat on the black leather couch, facing a window that overlooked Madison Ave.

I wondered if Aldo’s well-to-do neighbors had any idea that the attractive man down the hall had brutally killed as many people as lived in this building.

Then again, no one in New York really knew their neighbors, so there was no reason these people would be any different.

“Can I get you a drink, Katherine?”

“Tequila?” I slowly smiled, and watched Aldo do the same at my request. “You remember, then?”

“How could I forget? You got in a fight at that bar that was so bad, I nearly had to buy the entire place when it was over.”

“You exaggerate, Aldo.”

“I always loved that about you. Your fire.” He handed me the glass and sat close, leaning in to kiss my neck. “Your passion.”

I threw back what was in the glass, as if the tequila could wash away the sick feeling running through me.

“You’d be surprised how often those things go unappreciated.”

“That’s why I need you to come back. I’ve forgiven you for betraying my family - after all, I think you paid well enough for that - but I’m in charge now. I could use a woman of your skill and intelligence by my side.”

“And my father?”

“I may know how to make all those pesky charges go away.”

“How do you manage that?”

“Connections. Everything in life is about who you know. And what you know about them. But I’m not really interested in talking about the weaknesses of men when I’m sitting here with a beautiful woman. Another drink?”

“It’s rude to make a woman drink alone.” He laughed and poured another one for me and one for himself. “And a true gentlemen would catch up so I don’t feel like a lush.”

He threw back the first glass and poured a second, returning to the couch with both drinks.

“Better?”

I watched him blink slowly and smiled. There was so much this man was good at. Evil, but talented. Among the things he did well was keeping meticulous records. He was old school, preferring paper ledgers over computer files, yet he worked out his own sort of encryption by writing everything in code.

The one thing he wasn’t great at was holding his liquor. If I could out drink him, then maybe I could find the ledgers. And maybe I could find a way out.

“Yes, much better.” 

He threw back his second drink and leaned across me, placing the empty glass on the table, pressing himself against me as he did and kissing my neck. “Did you miss this, Kat?”

The taste of bile hit the back of my throat at the mention of our past. I drank the rest of my drink, washing down the acrid flavor. Even two tumblers full of tequila weren’t enough to make me okay with this. I tried to imagine myself elsewhere. Somewhere else. With someone else.

I closed my eyes and saw Rafael’s face.

“Yes,” I replied, my voice soft and low, as I continued to picture his face. “I miss this.”

He started to move his kisses further down my neck when I slowly pushed him away, holding up my empty glass.

“Desculpe, Aldo, but could I have one more?”

He couldn’t say no when I spoke in his native tongue, so he moved away to fill my request.

I stood up, gauging my level of intoxication before accepting the next drink. In the past, this would be the one to do Aldo in, but I needed to be sure that consuming it this quickly wasn’t going to make me useless as well.

As he handed me the third, and what I hoped would be final glass, I looked out at the street below through the window, putting my hand in my pocket.

I felt something small, circular, and smooth that I didn’t recognize.

“What is it, Katherine? You look deep in thought?”

“I’m sure it’s just the tequila.”

At the moment the words came out, I heard the faintest click across the room. Aldo started to turn toward the sound, so I had to act fast. I grabbed his face, turning it toward me and pressed my lips against his.

“NYPD! Get on the ground!”


	27. Chapter 27

“What the hell Kat seriously what the hell were you thinking? Drugging Carisi? Sneaking out, not telling me, and then going to that guy’s apartment. You know how dangerous he is. You could have, don’t even let me think about that. I had to tell your dad that you were missing what do you think that was like for me. You are in no position to do something like this.” Barba said angrily he had not said a word to me the whole ride over, now with the safety of the office he let loose.

“Excuse me, in no position, how am I not in…” I started, but he cut me off.

“You are supposed to…”

“What sit on my ass, while you guys go at a grandfather’s snail pace. You may or may not remember, but I am a United States Marine, and I can handle myself.” I said on the tipping point of a real screaming match.

“You could have,” he said. This was it, I lost it, and I calmly put down my jacket, and started in on him.

“What gotten information out of him? Yes, but you guys had bust in there all gung ho, because that seems to be your policy now. Knocking down doors, before actually investigating. Did you even have a warrant? Actually, I know you didn’t, because all the judges I know aren’t at work anymore. So without legal protection you busted into a guy’s apartment. Do you have any sort of idea what that does to our case, or to the investigation that Organized Crime has running against that family? I mean not to over extend, but we would have everything vacated, and that’s the best-case scenario. What if this brings up questions about guys we already put away? Do you really want the guys who gunned down the families of cops who were investigating them, or abduct the children of the DAs who had the balls to go against them, back on the streets? Yes, it turns out this isn’t my first rodeo. I know exactly why you’re angry, you’re angry because I didn’t tell you, because I decided to make my own decision.” I had opened the floodgates and it was all coming out, all the pent up frustration that had been building the last couple of days.

“Kat” he said quietly.

“No you will let me finish. We have kissed twice, ok? I am not your girlfriend or your wife. We are colleagues.”

“Kat” he tried again, but I was too mad to listen.

“Do not interrupt me, you are pissed because the second the NYPD came busting in, I was kissing Aldo. Yet you did not take a moment to think, that maybe I was playing the long game. Hmn? Yeah it turns out I just don’t randomly make out with guys who offer me rides in their SUVs. It is going to take me more time now, to convince him that I am on his side. Did you not take a second to consider that I had a plan? Or were you so distracted by your plan to get in my pants, that you decided that I was some dumb damsel trapped in a high tower protected by a Portuguese dragon?” As I finished and started to breathe again, he said “Kat”

“What” I said still angry, but when he didn’t respond I turned around, and to my horror, both Olivia, and my dad were standing in the doorway. “Sargent father sorry, I didn’t see you there. We are going to move passed this, we can talk about proper office conduct another day, right?” I said blushing deeply.

“I would love nothing more, so we have Aldo in custody.” Olivia said moving right along.

“Let me take a crack at him,” my dad the every protective hero said.

“No” Olivia and I said in unison.

“I agree with you Kat, I want you to go back in there and get personal with him. Get back into his good graces, however you see fit to do that.” she said clearly intonating exactly what she wanted me to do.

“Give me half an hour and a bit of lotion and I’ll have him singing the Ave Maria.”

“I was also thinking that we put you back under cover with him” seeing the looks on Barba’s and my father’s faces, she added “She will go back with him, and we will make a show of, how she is a disgraced cop.”

“That shouldn’t be hard,” I said bitterly

“Then you go back with him and get all the info you can, I want a daily report.”

“No problem but how… wait I got it. I promised Carisi I go with him to one of his night classes, we will do it then.” I said this sadly being the only idea I had in mind.

“But how, if you are a disgraced cop…” my father asked.

“We will pretend he has the hots for her.” Olivia said simply. God, I loved this woman.

“Simple enough, the competition itself is going to drive Aldo insane.” I said smiling.

“Perfect one last question: do you know a woman by the name of Gabriela?” she asked.

“Oh yes, she was Aldo’s squeeze before I was.” I said picking up my jacket, and heading out the door. Taking a minute to think, I added, “Barba you should go talk to her, pretend we are giving Aldo a plea deal, but she needs to give you information. Uh and be ready, she can be a little handsy.” I said smirking.

“Hey Aldo sorry about this there are insane here” I said as I sat down, I had brought his a cup of his favorite cafesito.

“Ah Katherine, amada good to see you” He said stretching out.

“I am sorry, they are trying everything to make it out to be that I am dirty, including putting a tracer on me.” I said putting away my jacket and circling to the back of him.

“Ahh its ok sweetheart, I don’t mind I like seeing where my menina works.” I hoped that the alcohol was still affecting him, for me most of it was gone, thank god for adrenaline.

“Trust me if we could leave I would” I said kneading my hands into his shoulders.

“We can, they can’t hold us if they don’t charge us, and they won’t charge us” he said turning around to me, and I put my hands gently on his chest.

“Well gato, if they can’t hold us.” I said, and then bending down to his ear I whispered, “there is a couple of other things, I could think of, that we could occupy our time with.”

“Anything for you amorcita.” he said smiling, thank God for good tequila.

I took his hand, and walked with him out of the interrogation room. Olivia had informed the team extremely quickly of my exit strategy, and they played an Emmy worthy portrayal of annoyed cops.

“Detective Tucker.” I heard someone call, assuming they meant my father I kept walking, but then it came again. “Detective Tucker.”

“Yes Mr. Barba.” I said with as much syrup in my voice as I could.

“You have some forms to sign before you can leave,” he said matter-of-factly, he must know that he could not hold me here forever with forms. The more I thought about it, he probably did.

“Of course Mr. Barba,” I said obediently, and followed him.

As I closed the office door behind me I said “What the hell Rafael, are you going on another tour of _there before the grace of God go I_ , because I am so…” Without a word, he grabbed my face, he pushed me up against the wall, and kissed me. It was like neither of the two kisses before it. This one was rough and urgent. Like a parched man drinking water for the first time. His arms wrapped around my waist, and for a small moment in time it was just the two of us, with my hands in his hair. I leaned more into him; I could not let this moment pass. Kissing my neck he stepped to put one of his legs between my thighs, this produced just the slightest of moans, but as everything in life it had to end. After we broke apart he said “Yes cariño, I care, I care so damn much,” he said threading a hand through his already messed up hair. “Mierda cariño” he said looking at me and smiling.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have… “ I started.

“No you should have, and you were right to go off on me like that. I had no right to…”

“No you didn’t, but you care and that makes me happy. If it makes you feel any better any better, every second I spend with Aldo, I will be thinking of you.” Helping me into my jacket he whispered in my ear “I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” He said pressing something small and cold into my hand.

“I see we are taking a trip to Chile” I said smiling. I opened my hand to see that he had given me his cross. I smiled, pocketing it, and hoping that my eyes could express everything my words couldn’t.


	28. Chapter 28

“You didn’t have to drive me here, Aldo.”  
The plan to use night school as a cover was working, but it required extra care, since Aldo insisted on taking me to and from class. It left a small window for getting intel to Sonny.  
“I just like to be sure you are safe, love. There are terrible people out there. Speaking of which, who’s the man I saw walking you out last night?”  
“Oh, he’s in a few of my classes. Smitty.”  
“He seems to pay close attention when you speak.”  
“He might have a little crush. Do you blame him?”  
Aldo chuckled. “No. I certainly do not. As long as that’s all it is. If he forgets himself I may have to jump straight from blame to punishment.”  
I knew the look in his eyes. I’d warn Sonny to tread carefully.  
“You know I can handle myself, Aldo.”  
“But where is the fun in that?”  
He leaned across the console and grabbed my shirt, pulling me toward him and pressing his lips against mine.  
“I’ll be late for class. Remember, I’m doing this for us.”  
“Yes. I know.”  
There was a gleam in his eye when I said us.   
I’d convinced him that going to law school at night would benefit the organization. I already knew the ins and outs of how the police worked. If I had an intimate knowledge of the law, I could keep things running smoothly and aid him in skirting the law even better than he already was.  
He kissed me again, finally letting go so I could head to class.  
Once inside the school, I bypassed the class I was officially signed up for and headed for the utility room. With Aldo arriving sometimes before class was over, we had taken to meeting her in case there was anything I needed to hand off that needed additional context.  
Once inside, I closed the door and checked my phone.  
Sonny usually beat me here, but there was no sign of him yet.  
The door opened slowly, but it wasn’t Sonny who entered.  
“What are you doing here?”  
Barba put a finger to his lips as he closed the door. “Do you want to let everyone know we’re in here?”  
“You shouldn’t be here. What if Aldo sees you?”  
“I’m a guest instructor this evening. Sonny is in just as much danger being your contact as I am coming here tonight.” He took a step closer. “I needed to see you. To see you’re doing okay.”  
“I’m fine.”  
He came closer still, this time running his fingers through my hair and down my neck. I flinched when they ran across the bruise I knew was there.  
“What’s this? I thought you said he was treating you fine.”  
“He is, for Aldo. That was just some overenthusiastic making out.”  
I watched as the muscles in Barba’s jaw tensed.   
“We need to get you out of there, Kat. I hate the thought of that man…”  
“With his hands all over me? Yeah, it’s not exactly a picnic for me either.”  
His eyes were tired and angry, so I switched to the topic at hand.  
“Listen, I found where he keeps his ledgers. I managed to snap a few pictures. But I don’t have a key to the code he uses–”  
“Kat, that wasn’t part of the plan. How did you get into his office?.”  
“Men in love and lust are fools. I got him drunk. It’s sort of a nightly ritual. Get him excited, get him drunk, and get him to bed. Alone. But I’m gonna need a new liver if I keep this up, so the team needs to figure out how to decode the ledger. Ask Fin about his friend Munch. He might be able to help, or at least knows someone who can. The data’s in here.”  
I handed him what looked like a pen, but was the camera and storage device that held the ledger pages.  
“I’ll get this to the team right now.”  
He turned for the door. I quietly called after him before he turned the handle.  
“Rafael?”  
He turned, his eyes wide at my use of his first name.  
“Aldo may be a fool but he’s not an idiot. I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to get away with getting him drunk every night. And I have to do what it takes to maintain my cover. But I’m counting on you to get me out of there before it comes to that.”  
He walked back to me and wrapped me in his arms, holding me tightly. It was more intimate or passionate than any kiss or caress Aldo could give.   
And while I didn’t want to admit it, in that moment, it was what I needed.  
As he stepped away, he smiled. “In case you ever foolishly forget, I am never not thinking of you.”  
“Who said that?”  
“I’ll tell you when we get you out of that place. Over dinner.”  
He slipped out of the utility closet, leaving me with the feeling that I may have finally decided I could let someone in.  
Maybe.


	29. Chapter 29

I walked outside with new purpose, I loved my new classes, and they gave me something to hold to in this crazy time in my life. To most people reading about torts and constitutional precedent were boring, but to me they were the most stable things in the world. Prof. Hershey was kind; she took the time to truly help me figure out my future if I wanted it.

It turned out I had filled a lot of the practical requirements, and with random part time courses I took every year, less people get murdered in the summer, that I needed to the three years was cut down to one. She even offered to get me contacts at NYU, I had told her I needed to think about it. That was true, it was the only truth I had told in a long time. I spent my days with Aldo, telling him how great he was, and reacquainting myself with the business. Sadly with that came the more unpleasant side of the business, more specifically the enforcement. When Aldo had first picked me it was because I had shown a mastery of certain tools of the trade. Back then I had learned them specifically for the Operation, now he knew who I was and that those skills don’t fade. I knew if I wanted to commit to this, I was going to step outside of the law. According to the NYPD these actions were not condoned, but every UC knew that what the NYPD cared most about was results, and most of the time they didn’t care how they got them. So here I was in this abandoned warehouse by the docks, looking down at a kid that couldn’t be more than 16 years old. How could Aldo allow kids to be mules? The answer was clear He was Aldo.

“Come on Kat teach that punk a lesson,” one of Aldo’s men jeered.

“Yeah come on Kat, show him what you’re made of,” another yelled.

God I hated this, but I needed to do this. The mission always came first, what good were anyone’s pain, if nothing was gained in the end? At least that is what the NYPD manual said.

“What Kat are you pussying out?”

“Mario do not speak to a lady that way.” Aldo said angrily flinging his pocketknife in Mario’s direction, not caring if it hit him. This was Aldo in a nutshell, defender of his possessions by whatever means necessary. It didn’t matter what or who that possession was.

“You know what, I know what we will do." I said menacingly gripping the back of the kids chair. I honestly had no idea, but i needed more time.

“Carihno come on you know he deserves it.” Aldo said, coming up behind me, and wrapping his arms around me.

“I got a better Idea, we are going to give him his usual load, but then send him to Central Park, and let the cops catch him. A kid like this they will railroad his ass to jail so fast. Plus if we give him some of that nastier stuff, he might be tried as an adult. That is worse than any sort of beating we could give him.”

“What if he just runs off with the stuff that would…” Mario said.

“No, it won’t cost us anything because this little turd is going to do exactly, what I said, if he doesn’t. Well I am pretty sure Aldo’s men can sniff him out, and then we can teach him a lesson.”

“But he is a kid, they are just going to let him off.” Mario said sarcastically.

“They aren’t going to let him go, and you know why because I am going to send a little note along making sure that he gets put away for a long time” I deadpanned. Then I pulled Aldo towards me by his belt loops, “Guapo could I have a business card?” I said the most seductive tone and ground my hips into his just slightly. He swallowed it, hook line and sinker.

“Of course Dulzura, anything for you.” I took the card from him with a sweet smile.

I took out my pen and wrote “Not that I loved Cæsar less, but that I loved Rome more.”

“Now bring this to ADA Rafael Barba he has been trying to put away members of our family for way too long.” I said with a long look at Aldo.

After that we went about our nightly routine, drinking and then some heavy petting, after which he dropped of like a rock. You must love a man’s libido, and depressant that is good bourbon is. Sneaking back to his office, I thought how it had been a long couple of weeks, but it had given me a lot of time to think.

What did I want in life?

Was this really what I wanted?

Did I really want to spend my life in an organization that at the drop of a hat would disavow me?

Could I survive more stories of horrific sex crimes?

How did Olivia, do it? I smiled, Noah that was easy, she had Noah. She had a wonderful light in her life that put in perspective all the bad. Did I have that? What was my light in this darkness? The instant answer was Rafael, but could I really rely on him to always be my light, when he was wading through the same sludge I was. Every time I walked back into Aldo’s office I got a little surer that I wanted out of the force. Carisi was right; I had been hiding all these years. I loved being a cop, protect and serve and all, but I had done that all my life, it was my preset. I needed to do something for me. I went to the safe and pulled out the ledger easily, it is wonderful when your mark is too drunk to open the safe, and tells you the combo. Oh good old Aldo, a fool in love. What a pity. As I opened the ledger, and I paused. Aldo was a fan of Alcestis. A play about winning a woman’s heart, by tying a lion and a boar to a chariot. That was all Aldo in his delusion of grandeur. This was perfect, of course he encoded his books, with this. It was the easiest because it was all lines of text, every line has a number and every word has a line within that text, and best of all no page numbers. I couldn’t help but be impressed. I smiled as I thought about what Rafael and I’s source would be: a Shakespearean sonnet, Antigone, or maybe some Emily Dickinson poetry. At that moment, I heard the door open.


	30. Chapter 30

“Kat?”  
The moment I heard the door click, I hid the ledger and pushed the safe closed, hoping to take advantage of the dark and Aldo’s still inebriated state.  
“You startled me, Aldo.”  
“What are you doing in here in the dark that my presence should be so startling?”  
“I was looking for something to read. I’m having trouble sleeping lately.”  
Aldo was standing in front of me now, his eyes heavy with sleep and liquor, and placed a hand on my cheek. I leaned into his hand, turning my face to kiss his fingers. He brought his other hand to the other side of my face, then slid them both to my neck.  
His hands slowly squeezed.  
“Are you telling me the truth, Kat?”  
“Aldo –”  
He squeezed harder, hard enough that I was no longer breathing easy.  
“Did you forget how well I know you?” He was still holding me by the neck pushing me against a bookcase now. “What are you hiding?”  
His voice remained even and steady, but that was how Aldo operated. The more in control he was, the more terrifying.  
I allowed myself to be afraid, imagining the worst. My lip trembled and I did nothing to prevent a few tears from falling. He needed to see my fear.  
His grip loosened almost immediately and I caught my breath, sliding down the bookcase. He stared at me, crumpled on the floor in the black silk nightgown he insisted I wear, hiding my face in my hands and sobbing.  
“I’m sorry, Aldo. I admit, I wasn’t in here looking for a book. I was trying to find something. I wanted to do something special for you. I was trying to find your calendar so I could surprise you. To thank you.”  
“To thank me?”  
“I’ve been a broken person since I was sent away. I didn’t realize until you came back in my life that it was because I was missing you. I’m starting to feel whole again, now that I’m by your side.”  
I kept my head down, my position hunched, mirroring the broken person I was doing my best to convince Aldo I was.  
He needed to buy this. Even if it was just for a moment.  
“Lindeza, I don’t need your gifts. Just you.” He lowered himself to the ground beside me and lifted my chin, bringing my eyes up to meet his. “But you know I can’t stand for lying from anyone. Even you. There must be consequences first. After you can make it up to me.”  
He raised his hand, striking me across the face with the back of his hand, his ring scraping my cheek, the force sending me into the floor.  
I wheeled around with all my force, an antique letter opener in my hand, and plunged it into his thigh. As he stumbled, I jumped to my feet, determined to take advantage of his injury, but he was already reaching for me, slamming me against the desk.  
I’d been in the office enough times to know it by heart, my hands instinctively reaching for the stone obelisk that sat on the edge of his desk. He was pulling himself up as I spun toward him, the obelisk in hand, and slammed it against his temple.  
He slumped to the floor and I raced out of the apartment, carrying the bloody obelisk with me.


	31. Chapter 31

I don’t know I got here, but I was here. I rang the doorbell. A minute later, the door flung open and an angry Cuban man in a white shirt and boxers appeared “I do not want your goddamn… Kat?…Mierda what the hell happened to you?”

“I hit him, oh God I killed him.” it came out of my chest in sobs.

“Ok ok, let’s talk about this. Everything will be fine.”

“No it won’t be, he’s dead…” the full realization was just hitting me. “Oh God. It’s over. They are going to put me in prison for the rest of my life.”

“Cariño, no one’s going to prison,” he said guiding me into the hallway.

“I can’t stay here, you can’t be an accomplice. You will lose everything, your license, your job…oh God… I have to call them. So I pulled out my phone, and taking a deep breath, I dialed.

“Mario, I need your help, Aldo, he is bleeding, and he is bleeding bad.”

“What the hell Katherine?!” Mario answered it sounded like I interrupted some sort of special moment in his life.

“I don’t have time to explain, he is in study. You need to get him help. Call me when you know something.” I hung up without hearing his answer.

“Kat what happened?” Rafael looked worried.

“He came at me… and I had to… I had it all figured out,” I said thinking of the ledger.

“You must be in pain, if you don’t sit, at least come stand on the heated floor.” He guided me to the kitchen, and then said calmly “So tell me what happened”

“The message gave me an idea about the encoded ledgers. Have I ever told you that the Navy had me working in Cryptanalysis?”

“No

“Yeah I did. So we knew that the ledgers were encoded, Aldo was too smart to use any old code. So what does Aldo love above all else… delusional grandeur. While I was looking through his study, I saw a worn out copy of Alcestis, a play about grandeur. It was simple; he used the lines in the play and the words in those lines, to encode the book. It is basic, but works, I personally would have….”

“Kat, the crime.”

“Ok so he came in and found me, turns out he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was. He told me he didn’t want me to lie to him. So I did a bit of acting, sadly there is a reason that I never got a part in a play. He saw right through me, and he said that he wanted to punish me, but I got away. Not without hitting him with this obelisk, I mean I did try to run, so duty to retreat does not apply but… if he dies… oh God, my life is over. No ones is ever going to employ me, much less accept me into the bar association, everyone will hate me.”

“Ok ok, let’s take this one step at a time. I am going to call Olivia, and we can talk with her ok. “

“Give me those paper bags,” I said pointing to them on the counter. “We can’t contaminate the evidence.”

He did as I said, and then called Olivia.

“Liv, yeah I have an emergency, can you come to my apartment… and you shouldn’t bring Noah.” About fifteen minutes later she walked through the door.

“Kat… what the hell happened?”

“I… I need to go to the hospital. They need to catalog all of this. Also, I need you to send a unit to Aldo’s place, he is…”I trailed off.

“Ok let’s go.” This is why Olivia was a great detective, she listened and helped, rather than question constantly. When we got to the hospital a nurse greeted us, and took us to a private room.

“Ok honey I am going to take off the bags now” she said removing them, and then added, “Ok, I am also going to do a rape kit.” I could see Rafael’s eyes widen behind her.

“No need I wasn’t raped.”

“Honey…” I cut her off.

“I wasn’t raped ok, no need.”

“Why are you…” but I cut her off again.

“Because you will find traces of… sex ok? But it was consensual ok?” I saw Rafael look both shocked and betrayed at the same time. He was going to hate me.

“I had too” When I said that I looked straight at Rafael, I hope he understood.

“If you had to, it’s not consensual” God bless this nurse.

“I meant for working for the NYPD.”

“Kat we are going to have to take your statement” Liv said taking out her papers. I recounted the story that had been playing on a loop in my head.

Everyone now knew I was a murderer. I couldn’t go out anymore. I was bound to live in purgatory forever. I tried to bite back tears.

“Hey Honey” The nurse from last night came back in.

“I’m fine, where is that guy that came in with me last night?” I needed know where Rafael was, did he hate me?

“Oh he has been here all night, I told him he could stay in here with you, but he preferred to sleep in the hallway." She checked my IVs, but I knew it wasn’t the morphine, which was making me numb. I was near tears again, but then I heard the door creak open, and it was Rafael. I turned around he looked relieved that I was ok, but I knew that would be temporary, the hate wouldn’t be.


	32. Chapter 32

I was staring outside again. Part of me wanted to see his face. Wanted to run over to him comfort. But the part of me that knew how things worked was sure that was a foolish idea now.  
“What exactly transpired?”  
I remained in front of the window unmoved, gripping the edge of the sill.  
“Why don’t you come over here while we talk?”  
“I’m good here.”  
“Katherine…”  
I turned around and walked over to one of the chairs set in the room for visitors, sitting down without making eye contact. Barba sat across from me, leaning forward and folding his hands.  
“Borrego is alive. In a coma, but alive.”  
“But there was so much blood…”  
“Head wounds bleed. This seems like something you would know.”  
“Why?” I looked up at him finally, annoyed. “I don’t make it a habit of bashing men in the head, you know.”  
“Good. I just wanted to upset you enough that you might look me in the eye. You haven’t so much as looked in my direction since I got here.”  
“Well, congratulations, you got what you wanted,” I said, crossing my arms and leaning back in the chair.  
Barba sucked his breath in through his teeth and continued. “Your info about the ledger code panned out. It’s been a madhouse at the DAs office and various precincts. There were a lot of names in there - dirty cops, businessmen, and even an ADA. Arrests are still being made.”  
“And Aldo’s crew?”  
“Some have been arrested. Others are still being located. The ledgers you took photos of weren’t the only records at his place. There’s evidence there to put a lot of people away for a very long time.” He looked down at the floor. “From the top, it’s being hailed a successful OP.”  
“So, that’s it? I bashed a man’s head in and no one cares?”  
“You were defending yourself, Kat. I thought you would be relieved. Unless there’s something you’re not telling me about the fight.”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“It doesn’t mean anything. You came to my apartment half-dressed and bloodied. I took you at your word, your life was at stake and you did what you had to, but if that’s not the case–”  
“I never said it wasn’t. What are you accusing me of?”  
He stood up now, running his fingers through his hair, frustration creasing his face.  
“Nothing. I haven’t said anything. You’re the one that’s acting guilty. Like this was some lover’s quarrel gone wrong instead of someone fighting for their life against a psychopath.”  
There it was. I had pushed him into revealing what I thought was on his mind.  
Aldo and me.  
“It wasn’t like that.”  
“Kat, why do you do this?”  
He sat back in his chair, hanging his head down and rubbing his eyes before looking back at me. He looked so tired and drawn.  
“Do what?”  
“It’s like you’re baiting me into a fight. A fight I have no desire to have. I was trying to make a point. I don’t think for a second what happened in Aldo’s apartment was anything but you defending yourself.”  
“Then why do you look so upset? Last night, with the nurse, I saw the hate in your eyes. It’s just better for us both if you admit it. It hurts more to sit here and pretend.”  
“Of course you saw hate in my eyes, Kat! Hate for Aldo. Hate for every moment you had to endure his touch. Hate for the things he made you feel about yourself. And hate for myself, for not protecting the woman I’m in love with!”  
Barba was breathing hard, and sweat beaded his forehead. His face was starting to look pale.  
“Rafael, are you okay?”  
His eyes widened as he reached out for me..  
“Kat…I can’t…”  
His breathing was labored and his eyes started to roll back.  
“I need a doctor!” I screamed. “Someone get in here now!!”  
I grabbed him as he slid out of his chair, falling to the floor with the weight of his body and hugging him to my chest.  
“No. Not now. Please, don’t leave…”


	33. Chapter 33

“He is going to be fine Ms. Tucker, it was just a minor cardiac episode.” The doctors assured me, a tired looking nurse walked up to me, handing me a form and said “Ms. Tucker you need to sign this, it’s an acknowledgement form.”

“What am I acknowledging?”

“That you are Mr. Barba’s emergency contact.”

“I am… oh of course.” I was totally confused. Seeing a sprinting team of detectives I called, “it’s all ok, he is fine.” I smiled a bit they had come running, they cared, and this was great. A couple of hours later, after a very long very tearful conversation with his mother, where I had to explain who I was, and why I was in the hospital with her son. At some point I had to hang up because my dad arrived.

How do you not call me when you were assaulted, you knocked a man into a coma, and pulling off the biggest sting operation in the last fifty years of NYPD history. He told me that IAB had cleared him to come back to work. He also told me that I wasn’t reinstated, something about wanting to investigate me. I told him about Rafael, he commiserated, and I told him he had said that he loved me, and that I didn’t know what do say. He simply said, “You have to see if you feel the same way. You will figure it out.”

“Yeah because you and mom were such a great example of a loving relationship.” I bit back. I tried to stay in Rafael’s room, but I just couldn’t be still. I was afraid if I woke him before the doctors wanted him to I could cause some serious damage, so I left to pace the hallways. I soon got some welcomed company.

“Amanda how is you?”

“I’m fine, I am on Kat watch.”

“Kat Watch?”

“Yeah, your dad asked us to keep an eye on you.”

“God of course he did, I knew it the second I brought up my mom he would, but I am fine.”

“No you’re not, you’re pacing, remember the sex trafficking ring we busted last year? You paced so much that I am pretty sure your foot left an indent in our floors.”

“Yeah that was a hard one,” I said remembered those long hours. 

Look you don’t have to tell me, but I was in a similar situation last year, scarily similar. I was in a relationship, and when it ended, I didn’t chase him. I know that I should have. I regret, it didn’t matter if I was truly in love or not. It mattered that I didn’t stick around to find out. With that she left to get some coffee.

I went back to the room, and their Rafael was lying, he looked so young. All the stress and worry swept away by sleep. I sat down and looked down, someone had brought me some stuff from my apartment. My headphones, and my torts textbook. Ah this was Sonny’s idea of a joke. I don’t know what time I fell asleep, all I remembered was that I couldn’t take any more torts, and I let sleep take me.

“Kat” I heard someone calling me softly, I opened my eyes and I looked right into his eyes.

“Back from the dead eh Rafael?

“Hey,” he paused, “you’re reading about torts, really?”

“Yeah Sonny brought it for me.” I said smiling, but that smile was pushed aside by a face of pure horror, as I saw him contorting in pain. 

“What’s wrong?” I jumped up, and ran to him.

“Mierda, Mierda, fuck” he cursed, “I need some Naproxen.” After he had gotten his drug, some water, and a couple minutes of quiet. I asked. “What the hell was that?”

“The beginnings of a migraine.”

“You get migraines?”

“Yeah, but I haven’t had one this bad since I took the bar. So did they say when I could get out of here?”

“You had a heart attack,” I was right between being outrage and being annoyed. 

“Cardiac episode,” he corrected.

“Semantics, you come first, and I can’t have you try to die on me again.”

“Aww, you care.”

“No it’s the massive amounts of paperwork,” I bit back, switching gears I asked. “By the way I am your emergency contract?”

“Yes I thought since you and I were close,” god was he blushing.

“Ok their cowboy, I didn’t think we were at that level of our relationship.”

“The emergency contact level, does that come before or after the making out in a boiler room level?”

“Hey do not disrespect the levels!”

“And so were we now?” he asked with genuine interest. 

“We are now at the, we almost both died in the last 24 hours, we should probably take it easy level.”

“And so what is the next level?”

“The next level is that I take you home, and you recuperate, and I’ll be your… nurse for the time being… just so you don’t run off to work.”

“Are you going to wear one of those nurse outfits?” he asked smirking at me, so he was feeling better.

“What the slutty ones? Not in your wildest dreams. I won’t be dressing up as anything. I shall play the role of enforcer of the doctors rules.”

“You sure you’re up for the task?” He asked, that was a loaded question, but I took Amanda’s advice.

“Oh Guapo” I said stroking his cheek and kissing him softly, he responded eagerly, but I backed away, “I have never been more sure of anything.”


	34. Chapter 34

“This is relaxing?”  
I looked over at the coffee table as I set a grocery bag down on Barba’s kitchen counter. Files were stacked neatly in piles, his laptop open in the middle, a notepad sitting on the couch where I guessed he had been sitting prior to my arrival.  
“My work doesn’t go away just because I had a little fainting spell and a headache.”  
“Heart attack.”  
“For the millionth time, cardiac episode. It’s not the same thing.”  
“Whatever. Your heart did things it shouldn’t. You should be taking that seriously. I heard the Doctor, she told you to lower your stress levels.”  
He motioned to the coffee table. “You think letting someone else handle my cases isn’t going to stress me out? Believe me, this is far less stressful than relying on someone else.”  
I shook my head, unloading the items from the bag, pausing as I eyed the french press sitting by the sink.  
“Coffee? Are you kidding me with this right now?”  
“I’ve only had two cups.”  
“Rafael! Why aren’t you taking this seriously?”  
“Because none of these things are what caused this. I’ve been drinking café con leche since I was 3, and I’ve been buried in my work for more years than I care to count. My heart didn’t decide to take a vacation until you came along.”  
“So, it’s my fault?”  
He was standing behind me now, leaning his face against my shoulder. “Yes. I didn’t say I minded.”  
“You like having heart problems?”  
“Is that what we’re calling you now?” I turned to look at him, giving him the evil eye. “What? You seemed averse to any of the labels I prefer to extend to you.”  
I turned back to the table and grabbed a container of salad and a plastic fork, ignoring his comment.  
“I brought you some lunch.”  
He took the container, leaning his head to side and grimacing. “I had a cardiac episode. I didn’t transform into a woodland creature. What is this?”  
“Kale and quinoa salad. It’s supposed to be heart healthy.”  
“Thanks,” he said, in a most unconvincing tone as he set the container back on the counter.  
He made his way back to the couch, running his hands through his slightly out of place hair as he sat.   
“You’re welcome to stay, but I’m afraid I won’t be much of a conversationalist.”  
“I actually have to get back. I have a meeting with Olivia this afternoon I can’t miss. And I still have more debriefing to go through with IAB and paperwork, and all that nonsense. I wish I could stay and avoid it all. I’m not in the mood for any of this.” I paused a moment and gave him a tired smile. “I am in the mood to dissolve into the sky.”  
He looked up from his files and gave me a half grin back. “So you figured out who I was quoting the other day.”  
“Of course.”  
“Then remember this one, Kat,” he stood up again, placing himself in front of me, gently kissing my cheek. “You cannot find peace by avoiding life. When you decide to stop avoiding a certain aspect of yours, let me know.”  
He sat back down and returned to his files. I made my way to the door, feeling confused, frustrated, and anything but at peace.


	35. Chapter 35

“Is Barba still refusing to eat rabbit food,” Mike asked smirking, as I walked into the bullpen.

“Quinoa salad is not rabbit food and yes.”

“I am sorry that the NYPD has kept you out so long. We have been trying…” Sonny added from his desk, and on what looked like his tenth cup of coffee of the day.

“I know they are stalling, the only reason they are still paying me is that the city would go crazy, and NYPD doesn’t exactly have stellar reputation.”

Speaking of fans, we have a couple more boxes for you.” Amanda said as she got back from what I assumed was her lunch break. 

“That should be my new job going through my mail.”

“We did have them tested for anything that could be dangerous, but we would still like you to open them here.” Mike pointed to my desk, which in fact had been taken over by boxes.

Hey Kat” Liv called from her office “can I see you for a second?”

“That’s why I am here, captain.” I winked at them and turned to walk to Olivia’ office.

“Ok so we have been trying to tie up loose ends, but because the ledgers has named a lot of people, everyone is short staffed.

“How can I help?” I took off my jacket and sat on her couch.

“That’s the thing…”

“Oh no.”

“So we didn’t lose anyone in our squad.”

“That happens when we get regular visits from my dad… and yeah I am essentially saying that you dating my father, had kept this place clean.” Ignoring my comment, she went on. “So O’Dwyer has asked.” This was about to be good.

“The D.A. has asked something of me, oh how could I refuse?”

“Kat come on, he was doing his job.”

“No he was taking bad Intel to make some headlines, the issue is that it backfired on him.”

“Look they will clear you if…”

“Why does my being cleared have an if? What happens to my psych eval, I never thought I would be defending getting a eval, they should take away my badge?”

“You would still get the eval. But they are willing to clear you of all charges, if you take the bar in the next three months, and NYU has agreed to have you graduate early.”

“What?” This was all too much. Seeing my face Olivia continued.

“They want you to be a lawyer as fast as possible, they are willing to keep you on the payroll as well…”

“Without me actually working here, and then I am supposed to just take the bar? These things aren’t held every weekend, they are held twice a year.” I still couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Which is why we want you to say yes, so you can take the one in three months.”

“You want me to study for an exam in three months, that people take three plus years to study for, and then some still fail.”

“Yeah look the bar association is willing to bend…”

“I don’t want anyone to bend the rules for me, I want to get in on my own merit.” Now I was getting angry.

“They aren’t going to admit you if you fail the bar, they are just willing to move up the timeline. Come on you became a cop because needed an adrenaline fix, you wanted back into the fight, this is the opportunity for you to do that. Yes you have loved it. We love you, but you know you can’t stay in this job forever.”

“Ok you are my sergeant, what do you think I should do? Don’t give me the O’Dwyer line, I want your thoughts.”

“I think you should do it, because you need it. You have had a tremor in your hand ever since the night you were attacked. You are itching for a fight. You threw yourself into Barba’s recovery, but we both know that it may be rewarding, but it isn’t challenging you. You need the challenge, this will give it to you.” I thought for a couple minutes in the time I had known Olivia she had always made the right choice, even if the outcome was bad she did it because she thought it was right. 

“Ok tell O’Dwyer I’ll do it, there is no harm in trying, right? Also I am going need to find a shrink.” I got up and went to the door. 

“Use mine.” Olivia went to her desk and got out one his cards, cards she gave to victims. 

“Yours? He is for real issues, not what I did.”

“Your issue is real go to him, and start hitting those books.” She effectively pushed me out of her office and ended the conversation, now I knew how she got her way, brute force.

“I’ll start hitting something that’s for sure,” I murmured.

“Hey Kat wait up are you cleared?”

“Not yet let’s just say, I just might be a lawyer after all.” I smiled at him and walked out of the door, Olivia was right my hand tremor was gone.


	36. Chapter 36

“Look, Lindstrom, I’ll be straight with you. I’m here because I know I won’t get a break from Olivia until I’ve told her I’ve gone. So, we can play cards for all I care, but I’m not really into the touchy-feely express myself chit-chat.”

“You could have just told Olivia you came here. I can’t say anything about it either way.”

“I don’t particularly enjoy lying.”

“Must make it tough. Undercover work.”

“Yeah, well, it is what is is.”

“And what’s that?”

“You have to be better at the lies than they are.”

“That must make it hard to trust people.”

“People make it hard to trust people. My job just makes that fact more obvious.”

“All people?”

“I got sold out by people who wear the same uniform as I do, so yeah.”

“The officers in the Borrego bust?”

“Yeah, them too.”

“So, it’s not the first time you’ve experienced that kind of betrayal.”

I shifted in my seat. “Let’s just say ‘I’ve got your six’ means something very different for me.”

“That’s a military expression.”

“Ten points to the Doctor. I’m proud of the time I served, but it taught me some things the hard way. You do what you have to to survive.You learn when you can say no and when you can’t.”

I don’t know why I said that. No one knew about what I went through with my commanding officer. He made sure of that.

“Do you think that affects your relationships with people now?”

“That’s a stupid question. Everything in life affects our relationships.”

“Then how do you think it’s impacted yours?”

I sat there in silence. Barba repeatedly opened the door for conversations about our relationship. He had no problem telling me that he cared and wanted us to be something more. And every time he did, I flipped between flirting to pushing him away.

And it was taking its toll.

The banter had died down to nearly nothing lately. Barba wasn’t cold or distant, but he wasn’t overly familiar either.

Why was I obsessing about this? I had more important things to worry about. Like passing the bar. There wasn’t time to be reliving the past, or worrying about a future that probably would never be.

“Look, Linny, I have studying to do, so I’m gonna have to cut this short.”

“If that’s what you feel you need.”

Ugh. Doctor speak.


	37. Chapter 37

“They still haven’t cleared you?” Rafael asked after a couple weeks of therapy. We had been quietly working/studying on the couch together, but that was over. I knew this was going to be a fight before he did.

“What am I supposed to do force them, you want me to threaten the doctor?”

“No but I don’t know. I thought if you couldn’t open up to me, maybe you could open up to him

Have I not been open with you, I mean you were there that night? The night off my ‘trauma’.”

“Kat that’s not…” I knew it wasn’t right to put all my crap on him, but I couldn’t take his lovely dovey attitude anymore. I got up, and started in on him.

“No it is. I get it you want me to be all happy, and whole. Well I am not ok, I am … Dark and twisty. All right, shit has happened to me. I have had a pretty shitty go of it. Then you come into my life all smiles and snark, and I start feeling better. But that doesn’t make me fixed, ok? You can’t just superglue people back together? I know I am not pink and whole, but I am trying. I get it you want someone who isn’t broken, well buddy you are at the wrong address here. You have any idea what it is like to work organized crime. Much less the Marines, did you forget that I went to war? I went to one of darkest corners of the earth, and I came back. What did you expect me all brand spanking new? You think sex crimes is bad. Add intimidation, execution, and torture to sex crime, and then you have got organized crime. Seeing girls as young as fifteen being pimped out to men five times their age. I spent years undercover, I had to live eat and sleep with these people. Aldo is a cakewalk compared to what I have seen, and done. I have seen men gang rape girls, for the fun of it. These people have no remorse. I did a lot of things undercover, things I am not proud of. They torture and kill for sport. They poison the streets of New York with whatever new drug that they can get their hands. They have hands in every pocket, with money in it. You think the mayor runs this city, no they do. I told you how they gutted me right? Someone in the NYPD told them. No one knew who I was outside of our operation. Someone was perfectly comfortable for him or her to cut me open, and see what pain they could inflict. You also want to know, why the woman in the ER didn’t give me Valium? Because I have a history of substance abuse, yeah when it all got to bad, your little Cariño got high on Valium. You think it’s hard up in that ivory tower of yours? Shrouded in your Armani suits and nice scotch. Not all of us get that luxury. Some of us don’t get loving mothers that come in to check on them in court. You wanna know why I don’t mention my mother. No it’s not because she fell off the deep end, or had some sort of horrible accident. Quite the opposite. You have heard of Gage & Whitney, right? The law firm, that won the Peterson case. Well my mother is Gage. Yep the biggest law firm in New York, a town that is teeming with law firms and my mom runs the top one, and now O’Dwyer and Olivia want me to become a lawyer. So do not tell me I am not open, you just don’t want to hear it?”


	38. Chapter 38

“I can’t keep doing this with you.”  
I snorted. “See? I warned you. You don’t want to hear all this.”  
“No.” He stood up and walked a few steps away, running his hand through his hair. “I’ve asked you to be open. I’ve asked you to share. I haven’t pushed, but I’ve let you know I’m here. And the more I try, the more you push back and scream. And I’m done.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“I care about you. But at a certain point, I can’t keep convincing you of that. And I certainly don’t need to sit here and be berated for the things in life I’ve worked very hard for. You know nothing about where I come from or what I have or haven’t been through.”  
“I’m sorry, did I not give you a turn to tell your stories of a sad childhood and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps?”  
I knew I shouldn’t push, but anger was my go to. When I was angry, I was still in control. And I didn’t want to lose that.  
It was all I had.  
Rafael clenched his teeth and shook his head. “I’m not going to sit here and try to one-up you on horrid past experiences.”  
“‘Cause you’ll lose,” you muttered.  
“You don’t know when to quit, do you?” He walked over to his door and opened it. “I hope Dr. Lindstrom can help you, Katherine, because you’ve made it clear that you don’t want me to. Please go.”  
“You are not kicking me out.”  
“No, but I am asking you to leave.”  
I grabbed my stuff and walked to the door, pausing in front of him, my face inches from his.  
“You are not done with me.”  
He turned away, his voice even and low. “Go.”


	39. Chapter 39

“So you are doing well?” Dr. Lindstrom and I were sitting in what felt like our hundredth meeting. 

“Yeah I am fine”

“You and Rafael doing great?” 

“Peachy.” I had lied to Lindstrom because I didn't want another; you are cutting yourself off Katharine lecture. 

“You lied to me,” he said calmly and without a note of anger in his voice. “You told me you and Rafael were good and yet when I saw him this morning…” Now my jig was up. 

“Look I don't have time for this, you told me I was getting better.”

“Not if you are deliberately withholding things from me, you are falling back into your old patterns.”

“How did I even come up, talking to a third party violates my right to privacy!”

“Not if we weren't talking about your case implicitly, I simply asked if he had enjoyed the meal you had cooked for him, and his reaction told me that you had lied to me.” Damn never lie about something you can't prove. 

“Ok so what? We were never really a thing either way why is this so important?”

“He is the first person in a long time that you trust implicitly. Don't tell me you trust anyone as much as him.”

“Of course I do, my job requires it. I work in dangerous situations all the time.”

“I didn't mean with your life, I meant with your innermost thoughts. I think you and Rafael should come to couples counseling with me.”

“But what we aren't even dating?”

“Than friend counseling, whatever you want to call it. I think it would do wonders for you, and don't think about lying to me. I already told Rafael this might be a good idea, and he seemed all for it.” How could he be all for this? Since when was he the talk about your feelings type of guy. 

I stalked home to study; only to find a letter from the New York State Bar Association, as I read it I stiffened. “We are denying you entrance into the New York Bar exam.”


	40. Chapter 40

I can’t say I was shocked.  
I mean, who tries to speed their way through sitting for the bar like I had? I knew it was a stupid thing to do, yet I let myself get talked into it.  
No more of that.  
Which is why I wasn’t doing this stupid “couples counseling” thing either. Lindstrom would have to get over that idea. If Barba wanted to be done, let him be.  
I didn’t need anymore of anyone else’s drama. I had plenty of my own to deal with.  
“Kate, did you hear me?”  
You snapped your attention back to your Dad. You were sitting in his office, waiting for him to get off a call so you could talk to him about getting back on the squad.  
“What?”  
“I was just saying I know why you’re here, and it’s not happening.”  
“Because you say so?”  
“No. It comes down from higher up. Too much has happened and no one is ready to put you back in the field yet.”  
“What am I supposed to do? I took the time off like a good little girl, and proceeded to embarass myself by taking the bar prematurely, I’ve been seeing Lindstrom, who, I don’t care what Olivia says, is pretty useless. What else does everyone want from me?”  
“The official word?”  
“Yes. I think you owe me that much.”  
“Professionally, no. But as your father, I’ll tell you. You’re volatile. Unpredictable. And given your history, that causes concerns.”  
“My history.”  
“PTSD. Your addiction. Recent behavior raises concerns. No one wants you to get pushed into a bad position, so for now, you aren’t cleared for the field.”  
“So, I’m just supposed to sit around my apartment doing nothing all day?”  
“I didn’t say that. You have a couple of options. Ride a desk in SVU, show that you can be a stable, dependable member of the team –”  
“Dependable?? I’ve risked my life for that team.”  
“I know that, Kate. But you know perception is reality at One PP. Show them what they need to see, and maybe you’ll be cleared sooner.”  
“Option two?”  
“There’s an opening in IAB.”  
“Are you kidding me?”  
“You know as well as I what kind of damage dirty cops do to the force.”  
“And you know how hated that would make me.”  
“Yeah. Honestly, I thought you might like that part of the job. You haven’t exactly been big on making friends lately.”  
“Whatever.”  
“Look. Think about it. Let me know what you decide. I don’t care what you decide, I just want to see you figure out a way to be in a better place than you are now.”  
You got up from your chair and made your way to the door, pausing before twisting the handle.  
“Does mom know about the Bar?”  
“I didn’t even tell her you were taking it.”  
“Thanks.”


	41. Chapter 41

Sunday dinners for the last nine months or so were at Olivia’s house. After everything that happened with Aldo, I couldn't go back there, so Dad had invited me to spend it with him, Noah and Olivia. I was hesitant at first because I knew how important it was to dad to bond with Noah. He knew what kind of toll not having both parents had on a kid especially the one whose own parents had a job like Olivia. He had really taken to Noah; he had always liked Olivia even back in the days where it was still she and Stabler. He had always respected her as a cop, did he agree with her tactics absolutely not, but he didn't hate her. I knew he wanted to do things differently with Noah, and then he had with me. For me it had been a lot of nights alone making myself bologna and mayo sandwiches. It had just been a fact of life, Mom had run off and dad needed to make money to put a roof over our heads. It wasn't a bad childhood by all means. SVU changes your view on almost everything. It especially gives a new perspective of everything bad that had ever happened to you. Yes I had demons, but to see what some of these kids had to go through made me truly appreciate dad and everything he had done for me. I got up to Olivia's door I saw that there was a Lego wedged in to hold open the door. Noah must have had another castle building extravaganza. I smiled that kid was so pure and so full of joy. I understood why Olivia needed someone like him in her life, it made me almost think that maybe… I heard voices from inside the apartment. The detective in me took over and I listened in.  
“Look with me moving to hostage negotiation.” Wait, he was leaving IAB, why?  
“Dad?”   
“Oh Kate I wasn't…” he looked mortified, for good reason.   
“The job? I am taking your job? You let me sign the papers without telling me that I am taking your spot?”   
“Kate look.”   
“No don't Kate me. What the hell, dad? And hostage negotiation you know that's a desk job most of the time.”   
“I want to…” I am not sure if it was all the change that had occurred in the last six months or if it was just the overwhelming emotional last twenty-four hours, but I started to cry.  
“Spend more time with Noah I get it. So not only do you tell me to leave SVU.” I turned on Olivia. “You two did this together didn’t you? You thought I would be better off was I didn't actually have to interact with victims. So you convinced me it was my idea to move to IAB. You are telling me to take your spot, on a squad you have been on since Mom left? I know you took the job there because of what she did, who wouldn't? You saw betrayal around every corner. At least she was upfront about it. I am walking into a lion’s den of your old buddies. Now not only am I cute little Kate who once stole her dad’s badge, and walked into a live interrogation, I am also Kate the girl who was so unwanted by every squad that her dad had to make room for her so she could have a place.” That was it, I couldn't not do this anymore, and I grabbed the bottle of wine I had brought. Dad tried to fix it.  
“I'll help you transition.”   
“You know what don't bother,” I was halfway out the door when I heard.   
“Kay Kay.”  
“Hey Noah.” I swept him up in my arms. He touched my tear stained cheeks and said.   
“Wet?”   
“Yeah they are, it happens.” I squeezed him once and then put him down again.   
“Toy?” This kid was going to break my heart.   
“Oh you want to play. I am sorry, next time ok? I promise, and I just might throw in a new choo-choo.”  
“Choo-choo.” I kissed his forehead, and walked out. When I got outside it was raining. I was still pissed, how could they do this too me? Did they really think I would jeopardize investigations? Had I screwed up that badly? I started running through the rain and after a minute I was still soaked, and so I decided to aimlessly walk. I was pissed, how could he not have said anything. I loved that he wanted to spend time with Noah, but how could he not have told me. After everything, after all the hard nights, from mom leaving to me coming back from my tours in Iraq. We had done it all together. I didn't realized where I had ended up till I saw familiar steps, the steps of the night all of this had started. Barba’s steps. I do not know what possessed me, but I walked up his stairs and knocked. I just felt helpless; I needed control back over my life. I needed to stop feeling all of this. He opened the door in his usual white t-shirt and jeans.   
“Kath…” Without thought, I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him down to me and just kissed him, he was shocked at first, but then he put his arms around me and started rubbing circles into my back, as if he knew exactly what was wrong. Now I just needed to know why I had done it.


	42. Chapter 42

I pushed my way into Rafael’s apartment, his arms still wrapped around me, my lips still pressed against his. Kicking the door shut behind me, I continued to press, moving toward the couch. We both collapsed on to it, my fingers desperately clinging to his shoulders.  
He finally pulled away, breathing heavily.  
“Not like this, Kat.”  
I buried my face in his shoulder, holding on to him tighter.  
“Please, don’t make me go.”  
My own words came as a shock to me.  
“What?”  
Judging by Rafael’s reaction, they surprised him to.  
“It’s all too much.”  
“What is?”  
“My life. All of it. I can’t do it anymore.”  
Rafael straightened up in his seat, cradling my face, looking at me with concern in his eyes.  
“Don’t say that, Kat.”  
I gently pulled his hand away from my face.  
“Why? It’s the truth. I screw up everything. I push people away. Lately it just seems to be getting worse.” I took in a shaky breath and closed my eyes. “I trashed my own apartment last night. I was hoping I had forgotten about some hidden stash of valium. There wasn’t any, but if there was…”  
My voice drifted as I took another breath, a tear falling down my cheek. I’d spent so much time keeping all of my problems to myself, so much time thinking that somehow my tough exterior was a show of strength. Now that I’d finally begun to admit things out loud, there was no going back.  
“You know what’s worse? I found myself missing Aldo the other day. What kind of psycho misses a man like that? Maybe I deserve all of this. Maybe this is penance for the things I’ve done. Maybe it would be better if I just…” I dropped my head in my hands, the tears following each other in a steady queue, my body shaking. I wiped my eyes and stood up. “I should go. You don’t need this. I don’t need to make you a party to all of my messes. I may not know much, but I know I care enough not to do that to you.”  
I started to walk away but felt the room sway. Rafael wrapped his arms around me and led me to his room, gently guiding me to the bed.  
He laid next to me, his arms around me once more, his eyes glassy. I buried my face into his chest, whispering. “What’s wrong with me?”  
He kissed the top of my head and squeezed a little tighter.  
“We can talk about everything in the morning. Right now, just rest.”  
I closed my eyes, the sounds of Rafael’s breathing lulling me to sleep.


	43. Chapter 43

I woke up at the crack of dawn. I felt safe in a way that I hadn’t felt safe in in a long time. Rafael was next to me, asleep. He looked so young, as if nothing bothered him. He looked almost happy. The only thing wrong with this picture was me, his arm lightly draped over my torso, the other cupped around my shoulders. I knew I couldn’t stay. I knew if I stayed too long this was never going to work. It might work for a while, but I needed to be ok. I needed to good again, I needed to be whole and squishy again before I could be the woman he deserved. I sat down at his kitchen table, and started to compose a letter on some note cards I had found lying around.

Dear Rafael,

I am so grateful for everything you have done, but I can’t stay I can’t let you into this mess. It is not your mess to clean up. I need to the work. I’ll keep seeing Lindstrom, but for now we should just be colleagues, workplace acquaintances at best. The good thing is that no one really knew about us, so there will be no questions. I am going to go to IAB. I know I am walking into a lion’s den. I know that, but it is better than staying in a place where I will be pitied. Plus I need to keep up the SVU turnover rate. We can tell no one about what happened, I know that seems downright cruel but I need to get my shit together, before I am ready for anything. I am setting you free.

Thank you,

Kate

PS: When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. – Alexander Graham Bell


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter 44  
“Aren’t you going to ask me something, Doc?”  
I was back in Lindstrom’s office. I made a promise, one I intended to follow through with, and I was going to start here.  
But it wasn’t going to be easy.  
“After our last meeting, I was a bit surprised to see your appointment in the books. I’m happy to see it. So, why don’t we start with that.”  
“What?”  
“What made you come back?”  
I bit down on the inside of my cheek, taking a solid moment to stop myself from countering with a smart remark. That was my gut reaction. Deflect. Stay away from anything personal with sarcasm and biting retorts.  
That was also the me I was trying to get away from.  
“A lot of things. I’ll be honest, Lindy, I’m kind of a mess.”  
“Everyone has baggage to unpack, Katherine. And yes, it can be messy. But it doesn’t define you.”  
Something about his statement hit unexpectedly hard.  
“What if it does? What if I get all of this out and find there’s nothing there? I’m either a mess or I’m just an empty bag?”  
“Is that what you’re afraid of? Of what’s left?”  
I looked away. I could feel the emotions welling up and I hated being emotional. Emotion was weakness.  
Wasn’t it?  
Lindstrom grabbed a box of tissues from the table beside him and set them closer to me.  
“I’m good. I don’t need them.”  
“But you know it’s okay if you do. Experiencing your emotions doesn’t make you weak.”  
I choked out a laugh. So maybe he was as good as Olivia said.  
“So, maybe I start with the worst and work my way up. Then it can only get easier, right?”  
“It’s entirely up to you. Wherever you choose to begin, a beginning is progress.”  
“Well, you may not think that when I get going.”  
“I don’t make judgments.”  
“Everyone makes judgments, Doc. You just may keep them to yourself.”  
He allowed himself a smile.  
“I’ll rephrase, then. It’s a very rare occurrence.”  
“Lately, I find myself thinking about Aldo. Missing him. And I hate myself for it, but that doesn’t change that the feeling is there.”  
Lindstrom folded his hands and stayed quiet for a moment.  
“How did you feel when you were Aldo?”  
“The first time? Before his family gutted me? Or after?”  
“Whichever.”  
“Nervous. Disgusted with the job.”  
“Take those away. How did you feel? Close your eyes and don’t think.”  
I rolled my eyes but closed them anyway. I thought about the places he’d take me, the gifts, the people who caught his wrath for even looking at me the wrong way.  
“Special.”  
“Is that all?”  
I shut my eyes tighter, willing away the tears I could feel building behind them.  
“Wanted.”  
I opened my eyes, blinking away the dampness, letting out a slow, shaky breath.  
“Pitiful, right?”  
“No. Unless you think being human is pitiful. There’s nothing wrong with being wanted. Why do you think it’s that relationship you associate that feeling with so strongly?”  
Without skipping a beat, I had a reply.  
“Because it’s the one relationship where I was good enough for the person doing the wanting.”  
“So, he’s not the only person who made you feel wanted.”  
I thought of Rafael. Of waking up beside him, in his arms. He made me feel safe and yes, he made me feel wanted.  
And guilty. Guilty for letting something start. For letting the flirtation grow into feelings. For letting him fall for a mess like me when he was worth so much more.  
“No. But the other person deserves something better than this.”


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45

Lindstrom knew who and what I was talking about, yet he moved on. Liv was right, he was good. He knew if he'd push that I would shut him out. Ok, round one goes to the head doctor. 

“Ok if that is the worst than what's next on the list.”

“I trashed my apartment.”

This was not going to be easy, by any means, but I was supposed to be all open.

“Ok why?”

“I look this isn't a good.”

This was getting too much for me, I couldn’t do this anymore. I took my keys and phone from the side table.

“You are making progress do not walk out on that now.”

He sounded like my father.

“How is this progress? Progress is defined by getting better, by something improving. not by this.”

“Think of it like a dirty cop, yes catching him is good, but what happens when he is caught? The whole department comes under review, and heads roll. But would you say that it would be better to leave the dirty cop in place? In other words it has to hurt before it can heal.” I plopped back down into my seat, 2 - 0 shrink. 

“Ok, you are right, this is your area of expertise.”

“Did Olivia tell you to say that?”

He was good at his job, this was why Liv referred him to our victims.

“Maybe.”

“She is a good woman.”

“She is and a wonderful mother, I have no idea how she does it, they say women can’t have it all, but she does and I don't…”

“Do you think you can have it all…”

“I have never.”

“Don't lie to me, of course you have, how could you not. Society puts it in your face almost every day.”

“I…”

But the look on his face told me I couldn't talk myself out of this one. 

“Ok fine I have, but I can't.”

I had never told anyone about this, I always thought it was obvious. I mean the scar alone, should.

“Why?”

“Being gutted has more than one side effect, one of them is a badly scarred uterus. It is what doctors call a “hostile uterus” for me to get pregnant is almost impossible.”

“But there is a chance…”

Oh I couldn’t listen to this, not again. All the other doctors had said the same thing, the first time around.

“Not a statistically significant.”

“So you have seen the impossible at SVU right? Women who have had the worst experiences a woman can have, and you have seen them rebuild their lives, and be happy. Why can't you be happy?”

“I am happy.” 

“Bullshit.”

“Head doctors curse?”

I was completely taken aback by this, he always seemed sweet and gentle, no the type to curse, epecially in a session. 

“Yes when their patients lie. Kat your addiction does not…”

“How did you?”

“You are a cop and a veteran. By nature protective and controlling, you don't have a messy apartment, and wouldn't trash it unless you really needed something so bad, something that would take the edge off.”

“But as I said your addiction doesn't define you, so how is working at IAB?”

I was grateful that he had switched the subject again.

“It turns out that other cops hating your unit, bonds you. Most of it is paperwork for now, but that just might be because I am the new guy.”

I smiled yes, work had been surprisingly good. Yes they seemed all tough on the outside, and they were hard on the inside as well. But the second you gained their trust you were one of them.

“Your necklace…” I stopped fiddling with the small silver plaque that hung in the middle of a chain.

“Olivia gave it to me, they called SVU after the family gutting, they thought I had been raped, but once they realized it was not a sexually motivated gutting, they backed off.”

“But Olivia.”

Lindstrom smiled, he knew this from a lot of his other patients, Olivia could never let a victim be a case number, she needed to help.

“Oliva wanted me to have a reminder of survival. She had seen at the crime scene that I had been reading a book on Churchill when I was attacked. So she got me this. I thumbed over the engraved words. “If you are in hell...keep going.”

After a couple more minutes of chitchat. He ended our session with, “We made good progress today, please come back.”

“I will, I made a promise.”

“I stepped outside Lindstrom’s office, Spring in New York was always best, you could smell the Central Park bloomage for miles, the birds were singing…

“Kat.” A familiar voice called, oh come on. I couldn’t see him, no I shouldn’t see him right now. With all the progress, but it was too late.


	46. Chapter 46

Maybe I could pretend I didn’t hear him. The city streets are busy, and it wasn’t unreasonable for me to walk on as if nothing about my day had changed.  
As if his voice didn’t make my stomach knot and my heart hurt.  
“Kat, don’t walk away, I know you heard me.”  
The voice was closer this time, and my plan to ignore him farther from reasonable with each step he took.  
Finally, I turned to face him.  
“Barba. Nice to see you.”  
“That’s it? That’s all you have for me?”  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
Someone bumped his arm as they walked by, the two of us standing in the middle of the sidewalk. He laid his hand on my arm and guided me to a bench a few steps away where he sat down. Reluctantly, I sat beside him.  
“You came to my apartment so upset, and the way you were talking…”  
Barba was clearly upset. He sounded angry, but this was something else.  
“What? The way I was talking, what?”  
“I was worried, Kat. You sounded so hopeless. And then I woke up and you were gone. You haven’t answered my calls, you’ve been conveniently out of the office when I’ve tried to see you. It’s hard for me not to be concerned about what you might do.”  
I knew he was right to be concerned. I was a mess that night, and while I had only hinted at some of the darker thoughts I was having, it was enough to send someone who cared into a spiral of concern.  
I hated that he cared that much. It made it harder.  
“Look, Barba, I got a little dramatic. I’m not saying that I wasn’t having a bad night, and I do really appreciate that you were there for me, but it’s okay. I’m fine. Or, at least, I’m working on fine.”  
“Kat…”  
“I just left Lindstrom’s as a matter of fact. He even says I’ve made progress, just in today’s session. So, see, you don’t have to worry. I’m under a doctor’s care, my Dad and Olivia are looking out for me. Even IAB seems to be working out. I don’t hate it like I thought I would.” I swallowed, making sure I could sell the last bit. “You can cross saving me off your to-do list.”  
I smiled as I said the last bit, attempting to keep things light and friendly, but my attempts seemed to only make Rafael more upset.  
“I’m not trying to be anyone’s savior, Kat. I’ve told you before that I care about you, and you go from asking for space to throwing yourself at me, and honestly, I starting to feel like an idiot for letting you.”  
“Barba, I’m just doing what’s best for everyone here.”  
He bit down on his lip and shook his head.  
“You would do that.”  
“Do what?”  
“Decide what’s best for me.”  
“You don’t seem to be able to do it for yourself in this case.”  
I didn’t mean to let it come out like that, biting, defensive. But it did. And the damage was done.  
“Fine, Katherine.” He stood up, brushing invisible dust from the bench from the sleeve of his jacket. “I’m glad you are okay. And I hope things continue to go well for you.”  
His words were kind, but his tone was cold.  
I’d hurt him.  
Perhaps too much this time.


	47. Chapter 47

Yes, I had hurt Barba, but this was for his own good, he was just too caring. Like Lindstrom said I have to clean up my life. So I had, he had been part of the old Kathrine, time to start building the new one. IAB had been the first step, the caseload was lighter but each case was harder. Harder to connect the dots, harder to catch, harder to make stick, that’s what happens when the bad guys have learned your playbook. I walked back into the office, putting down my coat and heading to the vending machine.

“Tucker my office.”

I still got chills every time I heard my name called that way, but I turned from my lunch to walk straight into the Captain 

“Yes Captain.”

“I need you to do me a favor.”

I was done for this was it, my limping career was just put out its misery. 

“I need you tell me everything about Olivia Benson.”

“Excuse me just ask dad he…”

“Ed won’t talk to me.”

Damn it dad, it was easier when you just threw her in jail. 

“What do you want to know?”

This was not going to be easy. 

“Is she a good person?”

“The best.”

“Has the power gone to her head?”

“Never, why are you asking all…”

“Because she is coming up on 20 years in one squad. That means she has to be reviewed, you know that. Especially at SVU, many people don’t make it more than a year, yet during her tenure, the squad has changed, but not…”

“She is a good leader of men, she respects you, but will lay down the law.”

He raised his yeeyan rows and I rolled my eyes. 

“Lighten the mood, according to my therapist I need to be more light and fluffy, so here I am flight and fluffy.”

My words were happy, by intonation was not, but that was what Lindstrom had said, work on happy thoughts and try to work through the bad. 

“What about that ADA she is always working with? Barba or something?”

That man was not going to leave me alone, not only was he cropping up in my day dreams he also came up at the same. I tried to be indifferent about it.

“Rafael Barba, what about him?”

“Good man?” The best, thought a caring overprotective son of the bitch.

“Good lawyer.”

I couldn’t praise him now, I couldn’t go back to that dark hole. He might have been an anchor but I needed to learn to live without him.

“That isn’t the same.”

“I know.”

“There were rumors a while back that you two…”

“God, cops are middle school girls with guns, who just left their tutus at home. No nothing substantial. Why all these questions?”

There was always a motive at IAB, there had to be. 

“You know the mayor has asked IAB to set up a political corruption taskforce?”

“Yes, it’s part of his campaign, which is ironic.”

I thought back to that announcement, all about our cities being safer, yeah like cops weren’t doing that already.

“I was looking into Benson heading it. I know it’s a step down but…”

I smiled, separating SVU and Liv was pointless, they always found a way back together.

“She won’t take it. not because of the recommendation she isn’t going to leave SVU, that woman has survived everything, and has stayed with that unit. If Noah and Dad didn’t exist she would live there. As for Barba I… I am not sure. I honestly do not know if he would be up for it, but I am pretty sure ADAs can’t just focus on one area.”

Though he has tried, hard. 

“They can’t. We would offer him a lucrative consulting job.”

“He might like the finer things, but he won’t leave the DA’s office or SVU.”

“What about Carisi? He passed the bar on a cop’s salary, that must have not been easy.”

They were right you never saw the spanish inquisition coming. 

“I am not sure.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit, you worked with these people Tucker.”

“I wouldn’t want to speak for them.”

I wouldn’t want to say anything that I know, without consulting them, but my explanation was good enough. 

“You’re in IAB now, assessing cops is your job.”

I threw up my hands, he wanted the info? Fine he could have it, what did I have to lose?

“Ok finem Carisi needs the money. Rollins is like a dog with a bone, so she would be a good fit, she has the extra nerve to push through. Fin, probably not, he will go wherever Olivia goes. But he might also put in for retirement, since he is becoming a grandpa. Good enough?”

“All we want to do is extend an invitation, we can’t force them…”

I rolled my eyes again, he might be a good cop, but he had become very good at the politic speak.

“But you can transfer them.”

He didn’t answer, and that was answer enough. IAB, does what needs to be done. Isn’t that why I joined?


	48. Chapter 48

“You good to go grab some lunch, Carisi?”

Sonny didn’t look up, chewing the inside of his lip. That wasn’t like him. Even after you basically dosing him at your apartment, he was still a good friend, always up for lunch or a chat.

“Hello?”

I snapped my fingers in front of him and he glanced up, Rollins walking over, apparently far more eager to say something.

“What are you doing down here, Tucker?”

Rollins never called me Tucker before. No one in SVU did.

“Is there a problem I should know about?”

“Funny, that’s what we’re all wondering. We knew you made the switch, but I honestly didn’t think you’d choose teams so quickly.”

“Sonny, can you translate?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Kat. IAB has been snoopin’ around here the past two days, asking an awful lot of questions.”

“Not only that, but Liv’s on vacation and they brought in Captain Harris.” Rollins’ voice got quiet. “Last time he was here was when everything was going down with Cragen.”

“I’m sure you’re getting worked up about nothing, Amanda.”

“Easy for you to say. You’re not the one getting questioned. Funny how they seemed to know just what to ask, too.”

“What are you trying to imply?”

“I’m not implying anything. I’m calling you out. What have you been telling IAB about me?”

Rollins stepped closer and I could see she was ready to tear into me. Fin walked over and called her name just as a voice said my name.

“Katherine Tucker?” I turned around to see a broad shouldered man in a suit. “Captain Harris. Would you join me in my office for a moment?”


	49. Chapter 49

“In a minute sir.” I turned back to Amanda. “Are you implying that I am selling SVU secrets? How could I? Why would I? And not that it is any of your business but all of you have IAB files, and for good reasons. You might be good cops, but you can be lousy at following the official rules. As for Liv, she is Paris. With my father, and Noah. Taking the break she rightly deserves. Even if it was all a lie, which it isn’t. IAB reviews all precincts, and especially elite squads, due to the nature of the cases they are handling. This squad doesn’t have the cleanest record when it comes following protocol, or the law for that matter. Either way this isn’t in my control.” I breathed, and then turned to Harris. “Sorry Captain, you were saying?”

“Just a word in my office, if you please.”

“Look you have to understand the squad…”

“No I don’t it is called logical reasoning and as detectives they should have it.”

“You just up and left them, they have a right…”

“To behave like middle school girls? No I left because had I stayed I would have become a desk jockey.”

“I know that.”

“You wouldn’t ask me in here if you didn’t want something, so?”

“Yes the Walker case.”

“Oh no.” I knew this could happen, I heard murmurs. 

“Oh yes.”

“I am not in Organized Crime anymore. That ended you know… with the gutting.”

“I know but you know a lot about organized crime, and sex crimes are involved, and he was a cop. So you are being named coordina…”

“Oh, shit down my neck!”

“Excuse me detective?”

“Sorry, it’s something my dad used to say. So you want me to become a secretary, to not 1 but three different offices?”

“No I want you to be in charge of this investigation and trial. Everything flows through you. IAB knows about your past, but Liv vouched for you, and they want to test you.”

“…And SVU doesn’t want to look like they’re shoving off detectives to IAB when they get a bit broken.”

“That’s not…”

“Save it captain. When do I start?”

“Your saying yes?”

“This guy embezzled money, raped, stole, and trafficked all in the name of NYPD, I sure as hell will take the job. Where do I work?”

Well since SVU has the newer…”

“Oh come on.”

“We are also closer to the courthouse and you will be working with…”

“Don’t tell me. Rafael Barba?”

“Is that going to be a problem?”

“Not at all sir.” I smiled, I can do this. This wasn’t going to be hard. 

“Because the rumors…”

“Oh the rumor mill in this place. It needs to stop, next they will tell me: he is out having my love child.”


	50. Chapter 50

Harris grinned at the mention of the rumor mill.  
“What?”  
“Nothing. You’re right. The rumor mill is non-stop. But the NYPD doesn’t have a monopoly on that. It’s pretty much human nature.”  
“Well, most humans are idiots.”  
“I’m inclined to agree.”  
“Then why did you bring it up?”  
Harris’ crossed his arms and leaned back against his desk, his grin still present.  
“Feeling you out, to be honest.”  
Harris had a way about him that would intimidate most, an authoritative presence that commanded attention when he walked in the room, but I was no stranger to the type. My time in the military was filled with guys like him, some good, some bad, but wherever they fell on the spectrum, I stopped being thrown by them long ago.  
“If there’s something you need to know, Captain, don’t play games.”  
“There really isn’t anything I need to know. I just like to get a feel for who I’m working with.”  
“Well, I don’t care for people who try to screw with me, so you may want to reconsider your approach.”  
“Noted. You have dinner plans?”  
Okay. That threw me.  
“Dinner?”  
“Yes. It’s this time of day where people sit and eat and occasionally exchange words. I thought it might be a good opportunity for us both to see who we’re stuck with.”  
“Stuck. You’re right about that.”  
“And dinner?”  
I shrugged and rolled my eyes. Being sociable was probably one of those positive things I was supposed to be working on.  
“Why not.”


	51. Chapter 51

So it seemed that Harris… or Steven, was one of the good guys. As I had suspected he was also military. So that was a topic of conversation for awhile. Yet both of us knew that we were dancing around the subject, but he being a good guy, ignored it completely.

“So how are you setting up this task force?”

“I think I am going to just pull people for different tasks. I mean he has been caught. Now all that is left is trial and conviction. But that is going to take a lot of time and manhours so I am going to have them on a rotating schedule. It also helps that I don’t have to work with all of the accusing stares at once.”

Then he told me about his cats and I weirdly talked about my session with Lindstrom. I guess there wasn’t much else going on in my life. That was just sad. But he listened and we talked, not just about work. But really talked, as cheesy as it was, it was nice. It was a return to normalcy. No life or death situations. No death or potential death, this felt good. It felt safe. Of Course our bubble had to be burst. I was ordering another McCallan over Steven’s shoulder. Another surprising fact was that he didn’t drink. He had grown up in a family of alcoholics and decided early on never to touch the stuff. I was ordering the whiskey and there I saw him, with… oh come on. It was Michelle, I had been mentoring her before all of this happened. I mean she was me, before all this shit happened to me. She was green and naive and saw the best in people. I smiled, Rafael would like her. I mean he ought to like her, he was buying her a drink. It had taken him weeks before he even asked for my drink of choice. But because some higher power thought I couldn’t have a nice calm dinner with a good man, he made Steven notice Rafael. All I heard was-

“Barba, I see it’s bring your girl to the bar day.”


	52. Chapter 52

“Is it?” Barba replied.  
The question was directed at Harris, in response to his question, but Barba’s piercing stare was definitely pointed at me.  
Harris looked over, eyebrow raised. I shrugged, not sure what he was looking for from me.  
“I didn’t know you knew Katherine,” Barba continued.  
“It’s a recent development.”  
Harris leaned in so his chest and shoulder were flush against my back, but didn’t say anything.  
“Michelle and I are just discussing a case.”  
“Of course. I usually take my co-workers out for dinner and drinks when I want to talk.”  
Barba’s eyes narrowed, his gaze shifting from me to Harris and back again.  
“Don’t you?”  
I raised my eyebrow and smiled, resting my hand against Harris’. I don’t know if it was the drinks, or the fact that it was Michelle, of all people, that he was there with, but I wanted him to think something was happening.  
And Steven seemed to be going along with it.  
“Well, we wouldn’t want to interrupt.”  
Barba nodded to Michelle as she picked up her drink and they moved further down the bar. Even though he’d increased the distance between us, I still caught him watching from time to time.  
If Michelle was his date, she wasn’t going to be a happy one for long.  
I turned my attention back toward Steven.  
“I’m sorry.”  
He shrugged. “It’s complicated and not my business.”  
“That’s not what I was apologizing for.”  
Before he could ask, I’d grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him close, my lips on his before I could think about what I was doing.  
Was I trying to make Rafael jealous? Or was I trying to once and for all set him free?  
I didn’t know.   
All I knew is, while those thoughts raced through my head, I hadn’t stopped kissing Captain Harris, and he hadn’t pushed me away.  
This probably wasn’t what Lindstrom meant when he said I should be more sociable…


	53. Chapter 53

I saw Rafael tense, and his eyes narrow. Good, I was winning. He wanted to bring my friends into this fine. I can play dirty too. Harris and I broke apart.

“Well that was…”

“Look I’m sorry I’ll explain later.” I wasn’t sure what i was hoping for. For him to rush over and kiss me? Wasn’t I the one who had ended it? How could i keep him on such a tether. Was I keeping him on a tether, or was he truly into her? Was I playing this game by myself? But I saw him pay for their drinks and whisper something into Michelle’s ear. She giggled, and they left… together.

“Kat everything…”

“Yeah it’s fine” I said not really thinking, then I got up and left him there.

The next day I sat in Lindstrom office, and after I recounted, yesterday’s events he said. 

“So tell me doc what the hell was I thinking.” I asked as I finished telling last night’s events to Lindstrom.

“I am thinking both of you have issues, that you need to work out together. I want both of you here for your next session.”

“You can’t be serious?”

“I am deadly serious, it is either that or your I am going to have to have a word with your superiors.” So I had to resign myself not only to having my head shrunk, but to do it with the one person that was still spooking around my head.


	54. Chapter 54

“Excuse me?”  
Barba’s tone reinforced what I thought. This therapy idea of Lindstrom’s was not going to go over well.  
“He wants us to come in for a session together.”  
“I heard you, I’m just having a hard time understanding why you think I would agree to that. You and I are not in a relationship, and if you want to sort out the reasons for that, you are more than welcome to, but you can do it without me.”  
“Lindstrom doesn’t agree. He thinks we both have issues that can only be worked out with both of us in the room. He threatened to talk to our superiors.”  
Barba raised an eyebrow and shook his head.  
“That would be problematic given his profession. The last thing he’s going to do is potentially break doctor/patient confidence, particularly if the thinks I’ll get wind of it. The legal and professional repercussions would be too much. It’s an empty threat.” He turned his attention back to his notebook, then set his pen down, looking back up at me. “And what makes him think I have issues?”  
“I told him what happened at the bar the other night.”  
“I’m not aware anything happened that would be indicative of my issues.”  
He was sure to emphasize the word ‘my’.  
“You leaving with Michelle after Harris and I…”  
I let the statement hang. He was there. There was no need for me to detail the events of the evening.  
“I took Michelle home because she had a little too much to drink. She’s sweet, but apparently a little handsy after the third martini. I didn’t want her waking up the next morning with any regrets. I know it’s surprising, but my life and my choices don’t revolve around you.”  
“You took her home.”  
“Yes. Her home. Where I left her.”  
“You two aren’t a thing?”  
“No. We are not a ‘thing’. Another choice that has nothing to do with you. You can let Lindstrom know you misread the situation and I won’t be coming in for couples counseling until I’m part of a couple.”  
I bit my lip, hard.  
Don’t say it. That’s not what you came here for…  
“Well, what if we were? Or wanted to be?”  
Barba threw his head back and let out a loud sigh. He opened his mouth to respond when the door to his office opened.  
“Sorry, Rafael, am I interrupting? Carmen wasn’t at her desk.”  
Oh, come on. You’ve got to be kidding me, I thought.  
Harris stood in the doorway and Barba waved him in.  
“Not at all. Welcome to the party.”  
Harris looked over at you and back at Barba.  
“I can come back later.”  
“No,” Barba stood up, his tone sharp as he continued, “please, make yourself comfortable. As a matter of fact, I’m going to get some coffee. You two should probably catch up.”  
Without waiting for a reply, Barba exited his office, slamming the door behind him.  
“That went well.”  
“Why are you here?”  
“I needed to discuss the case with Barba. I’d ask you what you’re here for, but I’m not much of a, how’d you put it, tutu-wearing middle schooler? I am glad I caught you, though. You and I need to clear the air.”  
“Look, it was just–”  
He put his hand up, stopping me from saying anything further.  
“Up until Barba showed up, you and I were having a nice evening. I probably should have stopped you when you decided to use me to make your old boyfriend jealous, but like I said, I was enjoying our evening together, and kissing you was no less enjoyable. But I’m not an idiot. I know why you kissed me. And I can pretend that evening didn’t happen and we can move forward without any awkward unspoken tension.”  
“Or?”  
Harris smirked, tipping his head to one side.  
“Who said there was an ‘or’?”  
Was I hoping for an ‘or’?  
“Right. Never mind.”  
“Look, if you’re looking for an ‘or’, we can explore that later. But you figure that out on your own time. The case is what’s important right now, and I’m not really into other peoples’ drama. Got it?”  
I had to give him credit. He didn’t mince words. It was more refreshing than off putting with everything I’d been dealing with.  
“Got it.”  
If my head hadn’t already been a mess before I walked into Rafael’s office, it certainly was now.  
“Do me a favor and let Barba know I’ll talk to him later, okay?”  
“I didn’t run you off, did I?”  
With my hand on the door handle, I shook my head.  
“No. No, I do a pretty good job of that on my own.”


	55. Chapter 55

“He's not coming.” I told Lindstrom, three weeks after Barba told me.

“How does that make you feel?” I had learned to go along, with this line of questioning. 

“Honestly like shit, I am not sure what I expected. I turned him down, I cut him out, but…”

“Did you want him to leave?”

“Yes I mean no… he didn't need me, but.”

“But what?”

“He doesn't need someone broken. He needs Michele whole and sweet.”

“Doesn't it feel like he is replacing you with a…” I knew where this was going. 

“Younger model? No Michelle isn't like that.” I really liked her even after all of this. It wasn’t her fault. 

“I was going to a new model, I mean according to Liv she is…”

“Aren't you breaking a ton of rules speaking about Liv’s sessions.”

“No she came in on your behalf, separate sessions.”

“God you and Barba are the same person.” Then something happened that had never happened in Lindstrom’s office. The phone rang. 

“I am sorry my assistant is supposed to hold my calls this must.”

“Go, I get it. I have a lot of experience in getting unwelcome phone calls.” He was on the phone for only a seconds.

“Kat that was Det. Carisi. He says you have been called into 1PP, on charges and specs.”

“Oh come on, what now?” This was getting ridiculous, could they not leave me alone.

“He didn't say.” Without saying goodbye I left, I needed to get to…. I saw a familiar car in front of the office. 

“What are you doing here?” I looked into the police car window, to see Sonny.

“I am supposed to bring you to your hearing. 1PP wants you there promptly.”

“I am not dressed for... Oh they are doing this on purpose.”

“I thought so. That is why there is a dress in that bag.” I shot him a thankful look, and started changing.

“Eyes front Carisi.” I teased.

“Detective Tucker.”

“Police Commissioner Podolski.”

“Do you know I asked for this hearing.”

“No sir I was not informed…”

“We want to review your sudden career change.”

“Did you not engineer that change?”

“Of course not.” He smiled at me, baring all his teeth.

“We want to see how you handle stress?”

“I'm sorry, is that a question? I handle it.”

“All right, how do you handle it?”

“This is ridiculous. Why don't you come out and just ask me?”

“Ask you?”

“The question you're tap-dancing around. Do I get the urge to take Valium? See, that's the problem with you. You ask about stress, or how my transition is going. Why don't you just ask me about my drug use? That's what this has been about, hasn't it?”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I don't. But I will. Yes. I get the urge to take Valium? Every day for the last decade. I have seen horrific acts of degradation, of brutality, of human evil. They make me angry. They make me sick. They get inside my head and I want to shut them out. I know if I crawl inside of a bottle, they will stop.”

“Do you think you will?”

“Ask me tomorrow.”

I walked out and saw the entire team, including Barba. I felt angry, I felt betrayed. “What the hell are you doing here?”

?Despite what you might think I care what happens to you.”

“Really? Ok let’s go with that. I think it's more you protecting your career, but let's go with your explanation.” Before he could retaliate, Carisi stepped in. 

“Any idea how he decided?”

“My question is how did he know. Who told him” I gave Barba a pointed look.

“Why do you think it was me?”

“Because the DA's race is coming up, and O’Dwyer isn't running again, and we all know that having the Police commissioner endorsements helps a whole lot.”

“And you think I would sell you out?”

“Who else?” Yet before again before we could take this further, an intern from the commissioners came over, clutching what I could only imagine was my verdict.

“The commissioner's verdict.”

“Thank you.” I smiled at him, he wanted to be here less than I did. I scanned the letter, and felt my legs give way.

“Wow, I knew it.” I choked out.

“What happened did they fire you?”

“No they can’t do that, not to a career police officer, especially not one with legacy. They are demoting me, detective third grade. Which doesn't sound bad, until you realize that someone else is getting my taskforce. All that work, and it’s down the drain. It also means that they will kick me out of IAB, and I don’t blame them. They can't have an officially demoted cop in their ranks, not someone that has been spanked by 1PP. So now I am a detective without a unit.”

“We can…” I smiled weakly up at Carisi.

“Don't you dare.”

“What?”

“I know what you're thinking, pulling me back into SVU.” I felt the sobs breaking out of my chest. “No, I can’t I can't go backwards. I… it would mean all of you would be my superiors.” I got up and started pacing, I couldn’t do this not like this. I would be the lowest ranked officer in SVU. Yes the cases would be the same, but I couldn't go back. Could I?

”Damn it.” Without thinking I punched the wall, and I wasn’t sure if it was my hand or the wall that cracked. Sonny pulled me away from the wall, and into his arms.

“Come back just for a while, get your feet under you again.” Over Sonny’s shoulder I saw Barba. He looked like he wanted to help, but turned away, and walked away.


	56. Chapter 56

“I shouldn’t be here.”  
No, you shouldn’t, I thought. And yet there Barba was, standing in my doorway.  
“Come in.”  
“I won’t stay long.”  
“I imagine you have better plans.”  
“Don’t do that. Please.”  
“Do what?”  
He shook his head. “I’m not taking the bait. I didn’t come here to argue. That’s all we ever do anymore and I don’t want that.”  
“Why are you here?”  
“Today was bad. I didn’t have the right words and I felt like my presence was making things worse, so I left. But I didn’t want you to mistake that for me not caring. I do still care.”  
“And what does Michelle think of that?”  
Barba sat down and leaned his head back, closing his eyes, then rolling his neck from side to side, popping it.  
“I don’t see why she would know. She and I are not dating, nor do I share my social calendar with her. You seem intent on making us a couple.”  
“You should be. She’s a great girl. You deserve to be happy.”  
I did my best to deliver that line without snark. I did mean it. I did want him to be happy.  
“As do you. I know you haven’t believed that for a long time, but you do. I really hope you can see that one day.”  
“I have a therapist for this, you know.”  
“I’m aware. And that’s not the only thing I came here to tell you. I want you to know that I am trying to do a better job respecting your decision to keep me at arm’s length. You need stability right now, and given our history, maybe you’ve been right all along. I’m not the best thing for you. But I can still be your friend at arm’s length. You can still talk to me when you need it.”  
This was unexpected. I didn’t know how to feel about the calm, collected Barba in front of me. I liked his fits, his passion, and this was anything but. Why did he have to finally agree with me now? Now, when I wasn’t so sure I was right about anything?  
“Thank you, I guess. Can I offer my friend a drink, then?”  
“Like I said, I can’t stay too long.”  
I looked away and bit my lip. I was hoping he’d say yes.  
“Right.”  
He looked at his watch and back up at me.  
“Maybe just one?”  
I walked over to the kitchen and poured a glass of scotch and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.  
“Thanks,” he said, eyeing the water bottle in my hands. “I would have been fine with water, too.”  
“Lindstrom recommended I not fall in bottles of any kind after today’s news.”  
“Good advice.”  
“So what do two friends talk about?”  
Barba slowly grinned as he took a sip of his drink.  
“What? What’s that look for?”  
“Well, as your friend, I’m within my rights to ask, but being me, I’m afraid I’ll piss you off.”  
“Now you have to ask. And deal with the consequence either way.”  
“How are things with you and Harris?”  
Nostrils flared, I punched Barba in the arm.  
“Ow! I knew I shouldn’t have asked.”  
“As my friend, you need to learn to take a punch.”  
“Noted.”  
“And there is nothing going on between me and Harris.”  
“That kiss didn’t look like nothing.” I rolled my eyes and he continued. “I’m not judging. Honestly, you looked like you were having a good time before the kiss.”  
“It was just dinner and conversation.”  
“Sometimes, that’s enough. If stability is what you’re looking for, you could do far worse than Harris. Although I guess if you’re considering going back to SVU, that wouldn’t work. He’s pretty by the book.”  
“That’s not really a factor in deciding about SVU, but I don’t think I’m going back.”  
“Why?”  
“It’s humiliating, that’s why. How would you like to clerk at the DAs office?”  
“It’s not quite that big of a step back. And if I needed it?”  
“You think I need this?”  
Barba put his hand up. “As your friend, I think you could use less stress. I don’t agree with everything you’ve been through, but your situation is what it is. Use it. Get yourself together and prove them all wrong. Make them question their decision. Whether it’s SVU or another unit, you don’t need the same title to accomplish just as much good.”  
“Your speech would be easier to take if you weren’t ambition personified, you know.”  
He visibly bristled at that comment.  
“Do you know how many cases I’ve taken since I started working with SVU that have done my career zero favors? Am I ambitious? Yes. But if you think I place that above everything else, you haven’t been paying attention.” He stood up, setting his drink on the coffee table. “I need to get going. Let me know how things work out with Harris and SVU.”  
“Raf…”  
He turned as he opened the door. “Yes?”  
“I’m sorry. I don’t have a lot of friends. I guess there’s a reason for that.”  
“I’m used to your…let’s call it honesty. I don’t expect you to be someone you’re not. But it’s a two-way street. Don’t get offended if someone is ‘honest’ right back.”


	57. Chapter 57

He had been right, SVU was the right place for me. It is what I know. It had been the one constant in my life before all of this had planned, I wanted to be back there. Everything from how the mailman liked his coffee so I could get my mail first, to where I had to punch the vending machine to get free food. Lately we had had more good days than bad. Yes, New York was still full of rapists and murders, but all in all we had had good days. Last week we got to reunite a girl with her long lost grandma, and it had been a wonderful feeling. I felt like I was putting just a bit more good in the world.

Barba and I had been getting along as well. The normal barbs were still there, maybe some light flirting. Yet being in his presence was no longer stressful. Our last couple of months had been full stress, whether it be death threats or unexplained and silent chemistry. We both knew we liked each other. We both knew that something more could happen, but we didn’t pressured, and it felt great. Harris was still acting captain, but Liv and Dad would be back soon. Harris had kept his word, not a word about our disastrous dinner. I realized I didn't need him right now.

Dating isn’t part of an SVU detective’s world, and that was good. The job itself was too intense for anyone outside of the unit to understand, and everyone in the unit needed someone or something non-SVU to go home to. The best thing that happened in the first couple of weeks back at SVU, was that I everything went back to the way it was before I left. Yes I was back in the same place I started but it felt good. No talk about rank, it was just me and Carisi again, or me and Amanda depending on how Harris was feeling that day. He was right switching partners especially in a unit that tended to be tight knit was great.

Though we should have seen it coming, our unit was constantly understaffed, until one day.

“Listen up squad, I have just had word, and Lieutenant Benson is wheels up in Paris which means you will have your captain back soon, but there is one change I want to make. Of course with Benson’s approval. I know people usually don't return to SVU, but this detective has decided to rejoin the NYPD, and with that SVU. I guess he couldn't stay away that long. Everyone welcome back, Detective Nick Amaro. Carisi's jaw dropped, something in Amanda’s eyes lit up, but was quickly muted.

“Kat Tucker is that you? I never thought you would be an SVU detective.”

“Nick.” I smiled, it felt good to see such a familiar face. 

“You two know each other?” Harris asked.

“Yeah my dad used to... well... his beat used to be in Nick’s neighborhood.” Which was the kind way of saying that my dad was usually the one pulling Amaro sr. of his wife and children, when he was especially drunk. “He mentored me at the academy, and I was top of the class, so we stayed in touch.”

“Well since you two seem to be hitting it off again, how about you two ride together today.” I smiled, it would be good to be in a car with Nick today, just to catch up. I realized how much he had missed. I had grabbed my jacket and was ready to leave when Harris called me back.

“Tucker could I see you for a minute?”

“Yes sir.”

“So you know how it is the window for trading officers.” He looked extremely uncomfortable. 

“Yes you aren't trading me again are you?” I asked smiling. 

“No we like you here.” He returned my smile, though the nervousness was not gone out of his eyes. Do you know how it works?”

“Yes, all new and old eligible and/or willing detectives put their names in and then all the captains go out for a beer and decide who gets who.” He gave me a smile because technically it was supposed to be a lottery, but the captains wanted there not to be turf wars, and a night of free liquor at O'Finnigans was never passed up.

“I looked at the system this morning and Michelle Booth listed SVU as her top choices.” My heart clenched just a bit, but I knew I couldn’t stand in the way of her career. 

“And I care because…” I tried.

“Oh come on just because I don't wear a tutu, doesn't mean I don't talk to people who do.”

“I would love her here, if she wants to be. I mentored her at the academy, and I want to keep doing that. Plus I need something to keep me human, especially in this job.” I smiled, and I meant it. I wanted her here, whatever the complications were going to be. She deserved a shot, and whatever came with that, I would handle.

“Ok I’ll put it in. By the way, I have to say you look a lot happier today, than you have in a long while.”

“Yeah I’m happy Nick’s here, I think it’s good to have old friends around. Back from before everything went to hell.” I walked out of Harris’ office, and out of the precinct with Nick. It was going to be a good day.


	58. Chapter 58

“Whoa.”  
Nick sipped his soda, taking in everything I told him.  
And I told him everything.  
“I pour my heart out and all I get is a whoa?”  
“Hey, you gotta give me time to process it all. You always were impatient.”  
I shot him a dirty look and stole a fry from his plate.  
“So, you and the ADA, eh?”  
“Everything I shared and that’s the piece that you took from it?”  
“It’s the most interesting. That, and you actually going to therapy. Never thought I’d see the day you’d accept anyone’s help, particularly a paid professional.”  
“You know, if you’re gonna be a jerk about it–”  
“Chill, Gato, I’m saying it’s a good thing.”  
“Saying I need help is a compliment.”  
“I’ve learned everyone needs at least a little. No shame in taking what’s offered.”  
I rolled my eyes. “When did you go soft, Nick?”  
“Accepting help is hard. Nothin’ soft about it. And don’t think I don’t see what you’re doing?”  
“What’s that?”  
“Changing the subject. What’s the deal with you and Barba now?”  
“There is no deal. We’re friends. As we should be.”  
“Don’t give me that. Do you even hear yourself when you talk? When you say his name your voice gets all soft and high.”  
“It does not!”  
Nick bat his eyes. “Oooo, Rafael!”  
I snatched the keys from the table and headed for the car.  
“You can laugh all you want while you walk back to the precinct.”  
Nick ran after you still laughing as he got in the car.  
“Ok, seriously, though. The guy drives me nuts. But he’s good people. You deserve a good guy. So, maybe you need to learn to let good things happen for you. For once.”  
“I don’t believe I asked for your advice.”  
“You missed me, didn’t you.”  
“Of course I did.”  
I pulled out into traffic and slowly started to smile.  
“What’s that look for?”  
“You gonna tell me what the deal is with you and Rollins, or am I gonna have to figure that one out myself?”  
“Fine, I’ll leave you alone about Barba.”


	59. Chapter 59

“So what is the update on the McKinley case, the parents are getting antsy.” Harris threw his coat on his desk, and loosened his tie. 

“Yesterday they denied their daughter was raped, and now they are all about her welfare.” I rolled my eyes; I hated parents who didn’t believe their kids about rape. Ignoring me Harris went on.

“So what about the boyfriend he just doesn’t seem right to me?” Barba asked, he had joined this investigation quiet early, probably because he because he wanted to make sure that we didn’t set the precinct on fire before Liv got back.

“Why because he cared that his girlfriend was raped? This was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. 

“No it’s more that most teenage boys are not that supportive.”

“Amaro Tucker, go check out the boyfriend.” We followed suit, and we were almost to the car, when Nick turned to me.

“You and Barba in there.” He gave me a smug smile. 

“What it was a professional disagreement?”

“There was nothing professional about the way he looked at you.”

“We are friends, and we work well together.” Before Nick could answer back, I heard my name being called; I turned around and saw my dad. Well rested and most importantly beaming. 

“You look well.” He hugged me and kissed my cheek. 

“You do too.” I heard a note of surprise; I guess neither he nor Olivia could leave their phones alone for that long.

“You sound surprised.”

“Well I heard what you went through.”

“I am good.”

“I see Nick is back.” He bent down, and waved to an already seated Nick. 

“Yeah it turns out that LA wasn’t for him.”

“Good, you need someone like him watching your back.”

“You brought our captain back well rested and all frenched out?” I smiled, the way he was looking, and they had had a good time. 

“I wouldn’t phrase it like that.” His smile grew serious all of a sudden. “I heard about Michelle Booth.”

“Oh no you wear a tutu too.”

“What?”

“Forget it, what about Michelle?”

“I heard your training her again.”

“I am, and before you say anything, Barba and I are friends, and Michelle isn’t going to be…”

“Who said anything about Barba? I just wanted to tell you that I am proud of you. Even a couple of months ago you would have never even considered training someone.” I smiled, I know it’s childish, but I loved his approval and praise. 

“Thanks dad.” I got in the car with Nick, and after a bit of driving, I noticed that he was looking at me weird.

“What?”

“Michelle Booth. Didn’t you mentor her at the academy?”

“I did.”

“And she is dating Barba?”

“I honestly don’t know nor care.”

“You care.” He said smirking.

I don’t, I mean I think Amanda is dating someone from her AA group.” Effectively wiping that smirk off his face.

“What?” Now it was my turn to smirk. 

“Ah ha you care.”

“Touché.”

“Can we go interview the perfect boyfriend without talk about our love lives?”

“Yeah but we have to pick up Michelle.”

“Ok.” I took a deep breath this was the real test. Was I really ok with her liking Barba? I wasn’t really sure. I didn’t have much time to dwell on it though, because two minutes later we were already picking her up.

“Michelle.” I smiled, so far so good. 

“Kat, how are you?”

“Great ready to become a detective?”

“Yes.” She looked ready, and excited. Good.

“Ok first day, you should just observe, and afterwards I want to know what our strategies were, and if we implemented them correctly. I also would like to know how you would have conducted the interview.”

“Kat it’s her first day.” Nick said, smiling kindly at Michelle. 

“Never to early to learn.”

“Was she like this at the academy?”

“Worse, she made me run extra laps if I got wrong answer on the homework.”

“What you did that a couple of time, and then you got top marks and graduated top of your class.”

“But my average was not as good as yours. How was she as a cadet?” Nick smiled; he and I had been the perfect match at the academy. We both wanted to prove we weren’t our fathers.

“Crazy ambitious. People called her “Ms. Know-it-all. Did you know she applied under her mother’s maiden name? Just so she could avoid impropriety.”

“Had I not their first question would have been if I was related to my dad. That would have colored their view of me. He had just started at IAB, and I didn’t want that hanging around my neck.”

“They almost kicked you out, for that.” He laughed, it was good to hear him laugh like that, and it proved that things could go back to normal. When we got there, Michelle held me back. 

“Kat?”

“Yeah.” I triple checked my notes about the boyfriend. 

“About the other night…”

“No I am not doing this again. I am fine, we are fine. We are just going to work, and I want to teach you. No hard feelings.” I smiled to myself, I really meant that. 

“Ok good, everyone else said that you would take it hard.”

“Oh god I tell you detectives are so gossipy, and surprisingly it’s mostly men. No wonder we never get anything done we are too busy trading gossip.” We walked up to the boyfriend’s door, and within one doorbell ring he answered.

“Detective Tucker, is Mika ok?”

“She is fine, but I we have some follow up questions.”

“Anything I can do help”

“Do you have any idea who could have done this to her?”

“No everyone loves her. Mika does community service for Christ sakes, and not to pad her resume, but because she genuinely cares.”

“Ok, we found two semen matches on Mika, were you two sexually active?”

“No we wanted to save ourselves for marriage. Oh god, do you think two guys raped her?”

“We are investigating all possibilities.” The party line, it was a good one.

“Not many kids can hold themselves to a chastity vow, where you otherwise engaged?” Nick was good at this, you could never apply to much pressure to friends and family.” I scanned the room, and found something on the mantel that was much more interesting than this interview.”

“No never I would never break my promise to Mika and to God.”

“Thank you Mr. Ramirez.”

When we got back into the car, I turned around to Michelle, and asked her. 

“Ok what did you see?”

He seemed like a good guy.”

“You’re missing something.”

“I am?”

“She is?”

“Come on what is the first thing that they teach you at the academy?”

“Always check your surroundings. I did there was nothing suspicious.”

“You should look closer. Always check people’s photographs, they say a lot about people.”

“I didn’t even…”

“Its ok you’re learning. You on the other hand…” I looked at nick with a smile.

“Just tell us what you saw.”

“There was a picture on the mantelpiece, of them at a nunnery. With her wearing a habit. What is she doing with a boyfriend if she wants to become a nun?”

“But how are you going to find out what nunnery it was?”

“They say they met at a church group. We should start there, they do field trips.” I smiled at Michelle, I had been right at the academy she had good instincts. 

“Very good. No laps for you.”

“Wait you can’t…”

“Oh but I can.” I smiled at both of them. This was going a lot better than I thought it would. A bit later, while dropping off files for another, ADA, I came across Barba, and when I saw him I suddenly felt warm, luckily that feeling quickly was replaced by an idea. 

“Counselor.” I smiled; it felt so easy with him. 

“Detective.” He smiled back, and there was that damn warm feeling again. “How can I be of service?”

“So since we are now friends. I wanted to invite you to a friendly wager.”

“A wager?” I grinned; this was going to be good. 

“Yep, if you crack this case before me then I’ll…” He jumped in. 

“Cook me dinner.”

“And if I crack it, you cook me dinner, and you have to wear my grandmother’s apron, and pick checkered with ruffles, and I have to warn you, across the chest it reads “They see me rollin, they hatin.”

“I’ll wear the hell out of it. And if I win, you wear it.” 

“Deal.” We both smiled, this was easy, maybe a bit too easy.


End file.
